Learn How To Win Your Divorce Without Losing Your Shorts or Your Kids!

By: Justin

The laws for divorce vary from state to state, as federal law does not dictate rules for filing for divorce, the process or even the right to get a divorce. So it is important to understand that your friend or family member from another state may have proceeded with their divorce in a certain manner that may not be an option in your state.

As far as beating your spouse to the punch and filing for divorce before he or she does, there is really no legal advantage to it, although some consider surprising their spouse with the papers an advantage. If your spouse knows it’s coming or if they make the first move, they may have time to hide or withdrawal certain assets so that you cannot get to them in a divorce. Filing before they do or if they are not expecting it may prevent them from taking such actions.

If you begin speaking with a divorce attorney before any papers have been filed, it also allows you time to discuss any strategy with your lawyer and to decide what you’d like to get out of the divorce. When you’re blindsided by the papers or are not expecting them, you may end up rushing your discussions with your attorney and may not be as prepared in the early stages of the divorce as your spouse.

In many states, however, couples must wait at least a month before any part of the case is allowed to move forward. This allows the two sides to consider whether they want to go through with the divorce and allows both sides to prepare their case. Taking this into consideration, both parties seem to have ample time to prepare, but filing first nonetheless gives you a better idea of when your case will begin so you can make preemptive arrangements.

Divorce can be a messy and hectic time in one’s life, especially when children are involved. While there may not be any legal advantages to filing first, certain tactical benefits may exist depending on the situation. Assess your individual case with your lawyer. The time you spend in a consultation can be extremely valuable, as you’ll discuss your assets such as stocks, bonds, property, pensions, etc. as well as child custody, visitation, support and alimony. Discussing these things before your spouse has the chance to make these considerations can be a distinct tactical advantage.

Learn How To Win Your Divorce Without Losing Your Shorts or Your Kids!

About the Author

Since divorce is a major event you want an expert to handle it or review it before submitting. Schedule a consultation with an Riverside Divorce Lawyer by visiting the offices of Diefer Law Group serving Southern California.

(ArticlesBase SC #3171849)

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/ – Should You File Divorce Papers Before Your Spouse?

posted by www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com

Magic of Making Up

Do you know these 7 concrete ways to build trust in a relationship?  Often, what really makes a relationship work are not the things we think of first.  For instance, do you think you always need to spice things up?  Wrong!  Predictability is more important than variety in a relationship.  The following seven methods are guaranteed to grow your connection by improving the level of trust in a relationship.

First, as I mentioned in the opening paragraph, you need to be predictable.  This goes against the common notion that you need to “stir things up” to keep the romance alive.  Sure, going to a new restaurant or giving a surprise gift can be nice, but most of all, we need things to be consistent and steady in order to make our relationships work.  Consider that trust in a relationship is built on being reliable day in and day out.

Next, you need to make sure that your words always match the message.  This means that your partner needs to hear the words which match your body language.  If you say you are happy but you are frowning, your partner doesn’t hear your words, he or she sees your face and the tone in your voice. Your parter needs to be able to trust what you are saying.  When the words match the message, you build trust in a relationship.

Third, you need to have a fundamental belief in your partner’s competency.  If you don’t you won’t have the trust in a relationship that you need.  When lovingly communicated, the truth is never destructive.  When you do not believe that your partner is competent at some things (or indeed, anything), you violate the trust in a relationship.

Don’t keep secrets.  Secrets destroy the trust in a relationship.  Be honest and open.  Assume everything you know will eventually come out.  Secrets require enormous energy on your part.  That is energy that could be going into building the relationship.

Fifth, don’t be afraid to let your partner know what your needs are.  Don’ t make him or her guess what you need.  Let them know.  It is okay to be self-centered as long as you are not selfish.  Indeed, if you are reluctant to assert your needs, you may go overboard in the opposite direction and smother your partner.

Sixth, learn to say no.  When your partner voices his or her needs, that is a good thing.  But you don’t need to say yes to everything.  A partner cannot respect you if you never say no.  Refusing to be subjugated to the other person’s will actually builds trust in a relationship.

Finally, always pursue growth.  When you plant a flower, you begin by digging in the dirt.  Digging in the dirt of our relationships can sometimes cause pain.  But, through that pain, we prepare the soil for future growth.  Don’t be afraid of turmoil, crisis, or questions.  These become the fertilizer for growth and change.  Embrace what is difficult.

When you decide to work on trust in a relationship, you are bound to encounter a little pain.  But, as you work through this pain, you will not only become stronger as an individual, you will also strengthen your coupledom.

www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com

From the Magic of Making Up

How can you tell if you are in a toxic relationship?  Here are some clues:

·    Your partner puts you down (verbally) in front of others
·    While your partner says they love you, their actions don’t back it up.
·    Your partner is controlling – reading your mail or “showing up” at places you are just to “check up” on you.
·    Your partner tries to make you dependent on them.
·    You have changed things about yourself to please them.

Toxic people make you feel ill just being around them.  So, why would anyone end up in a toxic relationship?  Why would anyone want to be with someone who makes them feel emotionally or physically harmed?

A toxic relationship has a cycle.  There’s a honeymoon period, followed by a blow up, followed by a reconciliation – at which point the cycle begins anew.

When you first meet a new partner, you are obviously in the honeymoon stage.  It is not until they’ve sucked you in further that you realize that you are in a toxic relationship.  At that point, it is difficult to get out.

One reason is that many people in toxic relationships grow up in toxic homes.  As a result, they replicate the patterns of their childhood without even knowing they’re doing it.  And, they may not know any better.  Others believe they do not deserve happiness.  Still others find that they enjoy taking care of people.

But the first step in getting out and staying out of toxic relationships is to realize that you do have choices.  Often people who stay in these couples have low self esteem or suffer from depression.

Once you realize that you have choices, the next step is to start standing up for yourself.  In most toxic relationships, the toxic partner has taught you that it is all your fault.  Once you buy into this,  it can be very difficult to either walk away from the relationship or set new limits that can heal the relationship.

For some people, working in therapy groups can help them either get out of or redefine these horrible relationships.

The good news is that some people are able to break the cycles of toxic relationships.  Some of them leave the relationship and form new, healthier bonds.

But others are actually able to repair their relationship and stay in it.

The truth is that most relationships are able to be salvaged.  Sometimes it takes a little space.  Other times, it takes counseling.  But if both partners make an attempt, it is possible to renew the bonds in a healthy way.

The first thing you need to decide is that the relationship must improve or you’re willing to walk away.  If you aren’t willing to walk away, you’ll never be able to heal that which divides you.

Once you have liberated yourself from the dependency that is at the core of a toxic relationship, you can start to assert what you need from the connection.  Don’t nag the other person.  Simply say “I need your support,” “I need your love,” or “I need your truthful opinion.”

If you don’t get what you need, the other person should know that you’re prepared to walk.

A healthy relationship is a two way street.  In a toxic relationship, the street is only going one way.  You have the power to change that, but you must take the power into your own hands.

To learn more, go to Magic of Making Up

www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com

Magic of Making Up

Relationships are fragile bonds that need to be built up and maintained in order to keep them healthy and allow them to flourish. Unfortunately, break ups do happen, and they are nerve wracking, stressful and frustrating. If you are involved in a relationship that breaks up, you may be thinking that you want to get back at your ex but is this really the best step to take? One of the most influential ways that you can actually get back at your ex will not only put your ex in an interesting predicament, but it may also repair the relationship by showing your ex how important you are and were to them. So not only are these 5 tips to get back at your ex but they are also excellent methods for getting your ex back as well.

1 – Be strong. No one needs the needy, and this saying applies very well when it comes to broken up relationships. You need to stop begging, clinging or exhibiting the behavior of someone who is feeling desperate. Let your ex think that you have moved on just fine without them by acting strong and moving on. When you’ve moved on, your ex will realize that they have not.

2 – Minimize communication. Closing the doors of communication may appear counter intuitive when your primary focus is to rekindle things, but it is one of the most important steps when getting back at your ex or getting your ex back. Take a break from your ex, close off communication, and let him or her stew for a little while without any contact. This will allow your ex to clear his or her mind and realize how valuable your relationship was.

3 – Be flexible. Do not be forceful with your ex, demanding that they move out, or pick their things up by a certain date. Be flexible, be a listener and a sympathizer. Your ex will be surprised when they see this side of you, and it may inspire them to build the lines of communication that were lacking when the breakup came into play.

4 – Get the heck out! This is no time for you to be alone. Call your friends and get out of the house. Develop a social network and enjoy some entertainment in your life. This may not mean you need to date, or even pay attention to the opposite sex, but you do need to be getting out and enjoying your time with your friends. Not only will this be therapeutic for you, but it will also help convince your ex that they lost a gem.

5 – Simply be yourself. There was a really good reason for why you and your ex had a relationship to begin with, so go back to being yourself and let your ex remember why they loved you in the first place. This renewed self perception of your own self will surely rub off on your ex as well.

Magic of Making Up

www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com

Magic of Making Up

Most people find themselves asking “What can I do to get my ex girlfriend back” following a breakup. They begin to start thinking and philosophizing about everything that could have been done differently. They even begin to make plans about apology letters and other things that might be able to help them score their relationship back.

This tends to be a dead end for one reason above all else: Because you can never really tell what the real reasons were behind a breakup. Women become emotional and sometimes they do not even know what led to the break up at hand and they may not know what is making them feel the way they do. In many circumstances it is only harmful to lose all your energy trying to figure out what went wrong.

The first main strategy to answer the question about “what can I do to get my ex girlfriend back” is to forget about the relationship for a while, putting your energy into something else. Go out, make friends, have fun, network, and forget about women in general. Set some realistic goals about expanding your repertoire when it comes to seduction and meeting people.

Give yourself a couple of months and make changes in your life. Take some time away from your ex and it will work wonders.

The effect that strategies like this will have, is that it will allow you to make gradual changes in your life. And in how you perceive the subject of relationships. After a few months, you may have a much better idea of how you want to proceed with your ex.

Do you still want to get back together with her? Or are you ready to move on? Act accordingly. If you still want to get back together with her, it might be time to figure out how she is feeling about you.

Now is your chance to be a little more direct when it comes to getting your ex girlfriend back. You need to play strategically, however. Do not simply beg her to get back with you, because this is not a good time to be emotional.

Instead, what you should be doing is playing things cool with your ex. If you have spent enough time apart from her, she is probably missing you as badly as you are missing her. Play hard to get a little (don’t over do it) and show her that you are doing fine without her. This will inspire her to really rethink things.

And if getting back together with your ex really is meant to be,  now is the time when it will become apparent. Be careful not to analyze things too much, because over analyzing may prevent you from acting the right way when trying to figure out “what can I do to get my ex girlfriend back”. Just take things slow and play them cool and you should be fine.

For more information, go to Magic of Making Up.

http://www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com/

Magic of Making Up

Are you feeling like everything you do pushes your ex away further? Is this describing your situation to a tee? Are you asking “What can I do to get my ex boyfriend back” at every turn? Here are some tips that will greatly improve your chances of getting back together with your ex boyfriend.

Obviously right now you are serious about saving or rekindling your relationship, which is what led you to this article in the first place. But if you are feeling overly anxious to get your ex back, you may be behaving in the wrong way, causing your ex to pull away naturally. It is human nature in general to resist this kind of pressure. Struggling against human nature is completely pointless, and it will only make matters worse.

Are you calling your ex too much, constantly writing him e-mails or text messaging him? Are you trying to make him feel sorry for you? If you are doing these things, stop! If you are asking yourself ” What can I do to get my ex boyfriend back”, then you need to stop doing these things right now.

So What can I do to get my ex boyfriend back? Follow this strategy instead.

You are going to need to take a completely fresh approach. Begin by breaking contact off for a while, doing your own thing. During this time where there is no communication between you and your ex boyfriend, you can focus on ways that you can improve your own personal life, rather than focusing on the relationship issues at hand. This is going to be a challenging time, and it is going to require discipline to prevent you from returning to your old ways.

During this time, your ex is going to experience a shift in how he feels about you, since you will no longer be pursuing him. You may become mysterious to him in some ways, because he is not sure what you are doing or feeling. This is actually something that can work in your favor. Now your ex is in a position to actually miss you, which is not possible when you are smothering him.

You must remember that the key to this strategy and repairing a break up is to work with human nature rather than attempting to work against it. If you are wondering ” What can I do to get my ex boyfriend back”, now you should have a fairly basic understanding on how common mistakes can be avoided. Once you implement this basic strategy you can restore a balance and allow your ex to remember why he loved you in the first place.

Just keep yourself grounded and avoid smothering him. Make yourself appear mysterious and he will be reminded why he loved you in the first place. Play hard to get (don’t over do it) and let him make the first move, and you will come out on top. And then you will stop asking “What can I do to get my ex boyfriend back”?

For more information, go to Magic of Making Up.

http://www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com/

Guest Author

By: Jessie Moore

The society has now become more transparent since the Freedom of Information Act has mandated the availability of public records to every member of the community. Such policy has a lot of positive impact to all. Despite its benefits, there are organizations who express their opposition to such Act. On the other hand, there are also those who support it especially those Public Divorce Records users. Now, all records that are stored by the government are accessible by the public as required by the law.

What can you get in a divorce record? A divorce record contains information that will make you get to know someone better. There may be cases in which you will find out that a person has been divorced due to abuse or violence. In such case, you will then know what’s the best thing to do. It will also help address other issues that are related to the occurrence of the divorce. A divorce record also contains relevant and personal information about the individuals that are involved.

It is true that Divorce Public Records can serve a lot of purposes. It can be used as a tool to do a background check on someone who has relation to your life like a prospective spouse, in-law or a relative. It even serves as a gesture to show concern to a friend. It is also very beneficial for tracing your family history or for an adopted child to search for his biological parents and vice versa. It is also helpful for other serious and official cases.

There are various ways in getting information on public divorce records. It can be requested by mail, telephone, fax, or walk-in. Nowadays, with the use of the Internet, searching for these records can also be done online. It is said to be easier and faster when done this way. Thus, it is becoming the standard way. When searching online, you have the option to select from any of the two versions that are classified as the free-of-charge service or the fee-based service. The second is recommended for a better and high-quality results.

Performing a Divorce Records Search is now easier with the help of the service providers online. There are a lot of them and they differ in terms of the quality of the results that they provide. A selection of information is what you can get from some of those providers yet others are able to provide you more than that. The official dates of marriage, the names of the couples, the official dates of the divorces, names of the children, the recorded reasons of the divorce and some other important details that you need for future use are the usual content of these records.

Since divorce records are private and personal, they should be treated with ethics and respect no matter what is your reason for searching. To obtain the desired result, you should be careful in choosing the right service provider for you. Such source of information should be something that is trusted to have high standards and is known to provide accurate information and assures peace of mind in return.

Jessie Moore

About the Author

Divorce Records Search and its associated searches by visiting http://gov-record.org/death-records/ , a site that provides fast and cost-savvy ways to Public Divorce Records Online.

(ArticlesBase SC #2730141)

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/ – The Divorce Records Search Online

www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com

It is critical for a child to have a father.  Actually, any male who can reproduce can be a father but it takes a special man to become a DAD.  Learning from a dad is an important part of the development of both male and female kids.  Without the dad, the child will not learn valuable lessons they will need to develop and grow.  A mother can never take the place of a dad.

As we get close to Father’s Day, let’s explore the role of a dad and what factors there are without one in the lives of his kids.

Poverty Factor - Children in father-absent homes are five times more likely to be poor. In 2002, 7.8 percent of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 38.4 percent of children in female-householder families.

Maternal and Infant Health – Infant mortality rates are 1.8 times higher for infants of unmarried mothers than for married mothers.

Father Factor in Incarceration – Even after controlling for income, youths in father-absent households still had significantly higher odds of incarceration than those in mother-father families. Youths who never had a father in the household experienced the highest odds. A 2002 Department of Justice survey of 7,000 inmates revealed that 39% of jail inmates lived in mother-only households. Approximately forty-six percent of jail inmates in 2002 had a previously incarcerated family member. One-fifth experienced a father in prison or jail.

Father Factor in Crime – A study of 109 juvenile offenders indicated that family structure significantly predicts delinquency. Adolescents, particularly boys, in single-parent families were at higher risk of status, property and person delinquencies. Moreover, students attending schools with a high proportion of children of single parents are also at risk. A study of 13,986 women in prison showed that more than half grew up without their father. Forty-two percent grew up in a single-mother household and sixteen percent lived with neither parent. (Fathers and Daughters).

Father Factor in Child Abuse – Compared to living with both parents, living in a single-parent home doubles the risk that a child will suffer physical, emotional, or educational neglect. The overall rate of child abuse and neglect in single-parent households is 27.3 children per 1,000, whereas the rate of overall maltreatment in two-parent households is 15.5 per 1,000.

Father Factor in Drug and Alcohol Abuse – Researchers at Columbia University found that children living in two-parent household with a poor relationship with their father are 68% more likely to smoke, drink, or use drugs compared to all teens in two-parent households. Teens in single mother households are at a 30% higher risk than those in two-parent households.

Father Factor in Education – Fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of school.

(These statistics where compiled by the National Fatherhood Initiative)

You can choose to debate the cause of these terrible social consequences. However, clearly there is a connection between the absent father and all of these catastrophic results that have scarred the family and our society. The significance of the research cannot be overstated. The cost to society as well as to individual families and children is astronomical. And it’s getting worse. Immediate action should be taken to address this major issue of our time.

After reading this you may be wondering “what can be done?”

Obviously, dads need to take a significant role in their children’s lives. Be there and guide your kids.  Help them understand, from a male point of view, how to be a man and how to be kind and strong; how to treat a woman; how to be wise and fair.

The court system needs to be more sympathetic to men and their rights to raise kids in divorce.  It is even more critical that the dad is allowed access to his kids.  Courts need to give more time to dads rather than just the every other weekend and the once in the middle of the week.  Kids need dads to help with homework. Go to sports or music practice. Kids need their dads to be able to take them fishing, camping or on the father child special bonding trip.

Fathers need to take responsibility for their kids and be a dad.  The government has passed stricter laws on child support to at least make fathers more financially involved. Even at that minimal level of involvement there is data to support that the money fathers contribute to their children has a strong impact on their child’s positive development.

Another positive result has been groups like the National Fatherhood Initiative has compiled research on fathers, and has programs, resources, and information to help get fathers involved again in their children’s lives. Fathers.com – The National Center for Fathering is also an excellent all around resource for fathers. These groups not only inform, but also educate and advocate for fathers. Knowledge is power, so take advantage of these great resources.

Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever.  ~Author Unknown

He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.  ~Clarence Budington Kelland

Second Wife Suffers Along with Husband

The following is from the blog, Alimony Slaves.

________________________________________________

“My husband was divorced over 5 years ago and was ordered to pay
$1,200. per month in alimony to his ex wife from the state of New
Jersey (we now reside in Florida).

After paying for over a year, we decided to take it back to court to
try to get a reduction or modification.

During the waiting process, he continued to pay her, and we went into
foreclosure and we were forced to sell our home.

To make a long story short, the judge completely denied the motion.
(Even though his ex was now working 2 jobs) originally she claimed
she was physically and mentally unable to work.

After the judges denial my husband quit his job, and got another job.
Needless to say she has found us again, and his work was ordered to
garnish his wages again.

We are desperate. We live very modestly and like most others, live
paycheck to paycheck.”

______________________________________________________

Unfortunately, with many of the archaic laws on the books in many states, families are being adversely affected by laws that award an ex-spouse a life time of pay from his or her ex.  Yes, be aware that laws and courts throughout our country support outdated alimony monetary awards.

Interesting, since many women have recently become the main earner in the family, when they divorce, more women are also facing alimony to an ex-husband.  If married long enough…permanent alimony.

Because of being subjected to paying alimony and being involved with a man paying alimony to an ex, many women are getting involved with organizations that are addressing the social and legal aspects of permanent alimony.

Families for Alimony Reform

One group, Families for Alimony Reform is working to change the laws regarding Permanent Alimony.  The organization’s goal is to educate the general public on how, in this case, the State of Florida imposes lifetime alimony, on both men and women, requiring them to pay involuntarily under threat of jail for the rest of their natural life.

Families for Alimony Reform, will provide assistance and direction to reform the current Alimony Laws of the state of Florida.

Families for Alimony Reform is dedicated to a legislative solution to the unfair practice of imposing lifetime involuntary payments to an ex-spouse regardless of their income earning potential or their part in the dissolution of a marriage. Reform alimony supports rehabilitative alimony for a limited but effective period of time.

Get involved.  Go to Alimony Reform, Inc. and/or Alliance for Freedom from Alimony.

Recent Florida Legislation will Strengthen Alimony Laws

Recent Florida legislation will strengthen the alimony laws in Florida.  House Bill 277 allows for award of more than one type of alimony; revises factors to be considered in whether to award alimony or maintenance; provides for award of bridge-the-gap alimony for limited period; provides that such award is not modifiable; provides for award of rehabilitative alimony, durational alimony, & permanent alimony in certain circumstances; provides for modification or termination of such awards. Effective Date: July 1, 2010

According to the Florida House of Representative website, this bill Died on Second Reading Calendar on Friday, April 30, 2010 6:59 PM.    However, the bill was resurrected as CS/HB 907 – Child Support and Alimony and was signed May 21, 2010 and is now sitting on Governor Crist’s desk to be signed into law to be effective January 1, 2011.

So, how did this bill get combined with a Spousal and Child Support bill, HB907?  Politics and special interest groups, like always.

HB907, authored by Representative Anitere Flores, is a good bill.  But it is not a good bill combined with HB 277.  The author of the Alimony House Bill 277 is James C Frishe, District 54 (Pinellas County).

Go to Florida House of Representatives to read the bills.  If you agree that it is a bad bill, contact the governor and tell him not to sign it.

What is Happening in Your State?

If you are living in another state, pay attention as to what is going on with alimony laws.  Stay informed.

Why is There Permanent Alimony Anyway?

The Definition of Divorce is as follows:

1. The legal dissolution of a marriage.

2. A complete or radical severance of closely connected things.

v. di·vorced, di·vorc·ing, di·vorc·es

v.tr.

1. To dissolve the marriage bond between.

2. To end marriage with (one’s spouse) by way of legal divorce.

3. To cut off; separate or disunite: an idea that was completely divorced from reality. See Synonyms at separate.

If one is paying permanent alimony, then how can that be divorce?  The parties are joined indefinitely by money.

Alimony needs closure.  With the possibility of modifications, alimony causes wasteful legal costs for both parties.  Who wins?  The attorneys win with billable hours to open up the case again.

To be clear, alimony is not child support, it’s adult support.  With permanent alimony judgments it can be supporting an adult for the rest of his or her life.  This person who is the ex is not even your flesh and blood and you are forced to support, in most cases, a very capable person.  Permanent alimony, in many states, is awarded based on the length of your marriage.  How does the length of the marriage have any bearing on the persons need or the other person’s ability to pay?

Let’s say a man is the main bread winner and the wife is a stay at home mom during the marriage.  Because the man had done the earning, he is penalized by divorce by often times having to pay alimony.  In this case, the alimony laws side with the woman.  It is not always fair, because more often than not, that adult receiving is capable of making a living.  With a rehabilitative alimony, the receiving person can develop new skills and enter the workforce.  At least rehabilitative alimony has an end date.

Sure, for an ex who was a stay-at-home parent or has a disability, paying alimony with an end date makes sense.  But paying for life?

By Major Vinson

Many horror stories have made the rounds concerning military divorces ending horribly. Much as we would like to tell you that these stories are just urban legends that people invented. Many of these nasty divorce stories are true. In case if you are not careful, these things can happen to you too. Keep in mind that going through a military divorce is much different from a run of the mill divorce.

Being a military man, you may have to adhere to some terms and conditions before you seek legal separation. All these things involve many legal intricacies. Hence, it is better for you to hire a military divorce lawyer to help you get out of a messy divorce proceeding.

It is impossible for you to hire any cheap divorce lawyer. As a military personnel, you are governed both by military as well as civil laws. It would be in your best interest to hire a lawyer that is specializing in military divorce,since most domestic relations lawyers are not familiar with military laws governing divorce. Although some military divorce lawyers are expensive, think of it as in investment in yourself. Spending the money will make the process as efficient and appropriate as possible.

There are many divorce lawyers who work in different states. The referral system is the most commonly used method of locating a military divorce attorney. On the contrary, locating an efficient military divorce attorney may not be too easy in case you are stationed abroad. Before filing for divorce it would be better for you to return to the country first as most of the military divorce lawyers work inside the country itself.

You need to meet with the military divorce lawyer’s prospective lawyer first, before choosing him. In these circumstances, meeting in person is a better option.
When you meet face to face with your military divorce lawyer, ensure that you notice how he reacts to your statements. If the lawyer seems to be not concentrating and makes inappropriate responses to your queries, it is better not to hire that lawyer to represent you. It will not help you if your lawyer doesn’t give you all the time that your case requires. Please bear in mind that similar to any court case, divorce too requires the total involvement of the attorney. Alternatively, in case you find the lawyer keen and empathetic, you may appoint him. It would be heartening to have a sympathizer while you are fighting a legal case.

Well, for one man, my good friend David, he decided to hit the road…on his bike.  For the next six months, he will be riding across America.  That’s 4,262 miles on the Transamerica Trail taking him through 10 states, starting in Oregon and ending in Virginia.  When he gets to Virginia, he’ll decide if he will turn around and peddle back.

He said he is doing it because he has always wanted to ride from coast- to- coast.  Now that his divorce is finalized, he can do it.  He doesn’t have another to answer to; he is in control of his own life.

Unfortunately many men, who have been through a bitter divorce, are lost during the aftermath.  David didn’t sit back and feel sorry for himself.  He instead spent his energy planning this adventure.  He said he was going to do it, he planned it and now, he is somewhere on the Transamerica Trail, looking forward, pacing himself with his goal in mind.  Peddling, reflecting and experiencing life.

Not many of us would give up what we know for several months.  He has given up his apartment; he has thrown his belongings in storage and will call all of America his home.  The road will be his home.  He’ll sleep in rest stops and campgrounds.  He will experience America in a very unique way.  He’ll stop in small sleepy towns and meet people.  His journey will consist of scenes of rural wilderness, urban jungles, scaling the Rocky Mountains and peddling through endless Midwest plains of golden fields.  He’ll roll by National Parks, like Yellowstone.  Maybe ride along a wild herd or feel the water spray from a geyser.

David will experience life.   His adventure is reminiscent of the 1950s society drop out, Jack Kerouac experience.  In his somewhat autobiographical book, On The Road, his characters seize the day and live, live, live by racing around America testing the American Dream.  The road represents the outlet of a generation’s desire and inner need to get out, break its confinement and find freedom, liberated from a higher belief, notion or ideology.

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Well, I’m underway. Yesterday my daughter Jennifer took me to Astoria where I started my journey from the Columbia River Maritime MuseumCannon Beach, 25.62 miles the first day. I was pretty pooped. My trailer is fully loaded and I was bucking rain and head winds the entire way down. If I’d been sailing there would have been a lot of tacking. One thing I found out was that my trailer is very heavy going downhill and I have to ride the brakes pretty hard on steep grades. Note to self: buy some additional brake pads in Eugene.

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David’s adventure is really two fold.  Besides having a chance to reflect and write about his daily experiences, he is bringing attention to an important social cause.  He will bring more awareness of homelessness in America.  After all, although this is an adventure for him, he will experience firsthand some of the aspects of homelessness.

As a board member for Share, a Vancouver nonprofit organization that serves the homeless and hungry, David is all to familiar with the importance of bringing attention to the homeless plight, especially during these trying economic times.

Hats off to David for actually DOING.  This is a wakeup call for those who talk about what they want to do in life but make excuses as to why they cannot.  I’m proud to call David my friend.

Follow David’s 4,262 mile trek.  His blog is  http://www.rollingacrossamerica.org/

http://www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com

For many wives, the very thought of their marriage coming undone is overwhelming. Why did the man that pursued her so vigorously during dating now seem so distant in marriage?

The truth is that if you’re married, those fears don’t have to come true in your relationship. There is a way to rekindle lost passion and make your husband crave spending time with you. Every wife that learns the secrets of their husband’s heart soon discovers the power to influence their husband on a profoundly deep level.

Imagine what would happen in your marriage if you knew….

• The highest compliment you can give your husband – and no, it’s not praising his physical appearance, which only works on women, not men
• Why you should NEVER give your husband advice – unless he begs you to
• How to make your husband willing to listen to you and try practically anything you suggest

Those insights alone can change your marriage forever. Suppose you also discovered…

• The 15 words you can say to your husband when you’re lonely and need reassurance — These words will get you the positive and supportive response you want from him every time.
• How to make your husband feel powerful so that he’ll always want to be with you.
• The one thing you can do in a split second to make your husband feel like he’s married the woman of his dreams

Yes, these insights are powerful and you can have them right now!

This amazing book, “The Woman Men Adore…. And Never Want To Leave” is the work of best selling author, Bob Grant, L.P.C. who has been teaching these techniques to wives for years in his private practice.

I never promote anything that doesn’t have a track record of success.

I am passionate about this book because it is the one that actually explains what works with your husband and why.

If you want to improve your marriage forever…
click here

   Click Here to Learn More

“Women file for divorce at twice the rate as men do”, wrote author and former family law attorney Jim Williams.  In his book, “Insider Secrets and Strategies That Men Must Know to Win Their Divorce”, Williams guides men through the divorce minefield.  Click here for more information about his book.

There are several grave effects on a man who is facing or has gone through a divorce.  Before you make the legal marriage commitment, you may want to read on.  Learn to make better choices before getting married, so you can avoid these devastating effects.

4 out of 10 marriages end in divorce – it is an unfortunate fact that many marriages don’t work.  It is too easy to get married.  Maybe we would have fewer divorces if more was done on the front end during the dating and courting stages.  Then required courses and tests so that the couple understands what they are signing the day they stuff cake in each others mouth.

Only 42% of children 14 to 18 live in a first family marriage – Due to the high divorce rate, blended families have become the norm.  This is especially true for teen kids.  There may be a direct correlation between troubled teens and living with the second family.

One of the hardest adjustments for a divorced man is his relationship with the kids – Most often, the father is the outsider in the mix.  He needs to learn to adjust to the change of not seeing his kids all the time.  To improve his adjustment, he will want to be even more involved with the kids during these tough times.  He may also want to fight for a better timeshare arrangement than the typical every other weekend and once during the week.  It is possible to get a stretch of time, like 11 days straight.  This will help him bond with his kids and help him be more involved with the kid’s sports and other activities.

Friends of a divorced couple are often forced to choose who they will remain friends with – a man can expect to lose his couple friends.  More than likely, the friend couple will go with the woman.  The man loses the familiarity of the couple relationship.  The man will be forced to be alone and find new friends.  Or, if he is fortunate, he has friends and has stayed in touch with these before marriage friends.

When a man gets divorced he loses his source of emotional nourishment … his family – A man is often driven for success from the emotional nourishment of his family.  Often, he is the bread winner and the hero for the kids.  When he is not in the picture all of the time, he loses that family umbilical cord.

The suicide rate is 3 times higher for divorced men than married men – Often men look at divorce as a failure.  They lay a lot of the burden of the troubled marriage on their shoulders.  They also often carry guilt with them of being part of a break up.  This is especially true when there are kids involved.  So, often isolated and consumed by negative thoughts, some men can’t deal with the situation and end it.

Nearly 50% of couples fall into poverty after a divorce – Divorce poverty was designed by family law attorneys.  The legal fees for a contested divorce are in the average of $25,000 to $30,000 and higher range.  Usually, the process is dragged out by endless forms, paperwork, negotiations and legal hourly rates at $250 an hour and up.  There are some attorneys that are full of themselves that charge $400 an hour and often prove to be useless.  Also, many men are left with having to pay the ex-wife’s legal fees.  Interesting how paying the other attorney’s fee ends up in the final judgment.  After the legal fees have devastated your accounts, you may be faced with paying child support and alimony on your one income.

Debt for divorced men – Unfortunately many men have no other choice but to use credit cards just to make ends meet during the divorce and even after.  The joint funds and assets are often off limits.  Also, he is now faced with funding two households often on only his income.  The debit catches up with him.  Often, men are forced to file for bankruptcy.

Men are less likely to seek help during and after divorce – Maybe there are less resources or it could be because men are less likely to go to a group and sit down and pour out emotions.  That is way sites like www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com are places where men can go to get information and resources.

Don’t be a statistic, lean on a friend. You are not alone; many men have gone through divorce before you.  Find a support group.  Several religious organizations have support groups.

Here is a link to divorce resources from Think Divorce Before Marriage resources page.

Below are some additional resources.

http://www.alimonyreform.org/

groups.yahoo.com/group/Fathers_are_Parents_too/

parentswithoutpartners.org/Support2.htm

divorcehq.com

divorcecare.com

proactivechange.com/divorce/fathers

Remember, you do not need to be alone.  There is hope for a future.  Be patient and work each day to make it better.

There is one thing that you might not do or think of doing.  Probably one of the most important things to find out about her, you may overlook all together.  What you overlook may…no, will haunt you for the rest of your life if you marry this woman.  It seems so obvious, but most of us men miss it.  Or maybe we ignore it.

Here is some unconventional wisdom when thinking about divorce before marriage.  If the woman you are thinking of marrying has a bad relationship with her father, there are good odds that she will have a bad relationship with you.

If she hates her dad, she will learn to hate you too.

Why?  She has not learned how to properly interact with a man.  A healthy relationship between a girl and her father is critical in her development in how she sees men.  How she sees men early on will have a major impact on her future relationships with men.  She may become skeptical and very cautious of men.  Hell, she may even hate men.  But, she seeks men to fill the void left by the bad relationship with her father.

On the flip side, she may be looking for a father figure that she can mold since she didn’t get the father she wanted as a child.  So, here you come into her life and she has ideas on how she can make you into what she wants.  Next thing you know, you are doing things that you don’t want to do.  Your family doesn’t recognize you anymore.    You don’t recognize you anymore.

Don’t get trapped with a woman who had a negative relationship with her father.  You will be doomed for a life of heartache and pain.  You will likely get divorced if you marry this woman.  Do not make this mistake.

So, what can you do to uncover the relationship the woman you have your eyes set on had with her father?

These five steps will help you uncover the truth.

Ask her about her father – during conversations, early on in the relationship, ask her innocuous questions about her life as a girl.  Pepper the discussion with indirect questions like, “So when you were a girl, what did you like to do with your parents?”  You will discover key information about how she responds when the discussion goes to her and her father.  She may say, “Oh, my dad is great or she may say, “I don’t want to talk about him.”  If it is negative, get out of there.   Again, if she had a negative experience with her father, chances are great she will carry over this perception of men into her other men relationships.

She may try to keep you from meeting her father – if she doesn’t want you to meet her father, then that is a red flag.  She may avoid the issue by saying, “I don’t see my dad much.  He is not involved”.  Normally, when you hear this you respond to comfort her.  Instead, find out why he isn’t involved if you are interested in this woman.  If it sounds like a bad relationship and she starts in on the blame game, it is time for you to find the door.  Harsh as it may seem, you need to understand that this negativity will rear its ugly head down the road and you will be the target.

Believe what you see – observe the interaction between the woman and her father.  Is she respectful to him?  Does she look up to him?  Do they communicate well?  Do they argue?  Make sure you are comfortable with the dynamics between them.  It is likely that she will treat you the same way that she treats her father.

Ask her friends and any siblings – hopefully her friends and siblings will be honest and tell you how she interacts with her father.  Find a way to interject these thoughts during conversations.  You’ll be glad you did.

Background check – this may seem extreme, but you are talking about your future.  See if there has been any domestic violence.  It is sad but true when this goes on.  It is always surprising what goes on behind closed doors in a seemly “normal” home.

Men, it is very important to reduce the odds of bad relationships and especially bad marriages.  Understand this; if you marry a woman who had a negative relationship with her father it will not only affect you, but also any male offspring.  She will interact with the boys like she does with you and her father.  No need to say that this is bad.

There are many women out there who have a positive, mutually respectful relationship with their fathers.  Find a woman like this and she will treat you the same.  Of course, there are other factors that you have to think about when finding the right woman…but this issue of how she learned to interaction with males is a major key factor in a solid relationship.

Be smart and find a woman who learned in a positive environment.

by Tiffany Taylor

Author of GuyGetsGirl.com

There’s something that often happens when you’re out playing the ‘seduction game’ – that is, when you’re actively looking out for girls you think you’d like to hook-up with. Many men have experienced it, and many thousands of men still do experience it when they themselves are out playing the game. It usually goes something like this: you’re in a group, talking to a couple of girls. You’re with a friend or two, perhaps having drinks in a bar or at a party. You’ve got your eye on one girl in the group in particular and want to make something happen, make a bit of a connection. Thing is, she’s proving the hardest to connect to – sure, she smiles and talks to you nicely and politely, but she’s not returning your flirtatious gestures and comments much, if at all. It’s like she’s playing hard to get or something, whereas her female friends seem to be much more playful and flirty.

This doesn’t happen because you aren’t her type or just because sometimes these things happen (or don’t) – there’s a different, special reason the girl you’re interested in doesn’t appear to be interested in you and it’s got a lot to do with psychology and social standing. You see, when you show you’re interested in a good-looking girl who’s with her friends, you inadvertently bump up her ego and feeling of self-worth. She knows you’ve chosen and are most interested in her and likes this feeling of elevated importance. However, she also knows that if she reacts by becoming really flirty and obviously attracted to YOU, she’ll lose the higher social value she has over her friends (probably the reason you targeted her in the first place), so she therefore maintains her unattainable, “I’m a bit too good for you” status.

However, you can blow this problem out of the water by using DEFLECTION THEORY. You turn the situation on its head and reverse the psychology of your target female by deflecting your attention AWAY from her and ONTO one or more of her friends. When you show her friends (who have lower social value/worth than your target female) more attention and affection, you challenge her ego. So, in an effort to regain her superiority in the hierarchy of her circle of friends, the girl you’re really interested in will subconsciously invest much MORE interest in you by flirting and being playful. As so many women do, she gives into wanting what she feels she cannot have – and, of course, you’ll be happy to have her. She is, after all, the hottest of the group and the one you wanted in the first place. Here’s how to deflect your attention onto one of her friends to make her (the girl you want) feel as if her ego has been challenged and thus make her feel an instant and undeniable desire to get your attention and “win” you back.

1. Use strong eye contact when talking to all of the girls. However, when you’re talking to your target female, occasionally glance away and towards one of the other girls (who will probably be talking amongst themselves or to your friend/friends if you’re with any) and give a slight smile before looking back at your target. This jackhammers a sense of competition into the subconscious mind of the girl you’re really interested in and immediately makes her want to fight for your attention.

2. Casually make physical contact with her friends more than her. For example, touch them on the side of their arm to get their attention or when laughing and joking.

3. When sitting down or standing around talking as a group, face slightly more (as in, the direction of your body/torso) in the direction of one of her friends more than her.

Using deflection theory to challenge a girl you’re interested in’s ego and therefore make her want you more is just one psychological technique you can use to boost your pick-up game. Combine it with others and you maximize your success with the opposite sex in ways most men have and never will experience. You can be the guy that gets the girl!

Want more information from Tiffany Taylor about how to attract and seduce women with the GuyGetsGirl system?

http://relationships.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com/guygetsgirl

When someone wins the lottery, others lose.

When a person wins an “alimony lottery” the other person and his or her future relationships lose.  The grave effects of paying alimony are often overlooked by the media and especially the court system.   There doesn’t seem to be much sympathy for men or women who are forced to pay alimony.  There isn’t much thought by the court system as to the ramifications of alimony on relationships down the road.

The issues created by paying alimony are overshadowed by other family law focuses like deadbeat dads not paying child support.  Deadbeat dad issues get sympathy from the media since it affects children.  Rightfully so, men need to take care of their kids and should do so without any if, and, or buts.  However, unlike child support that ends at 18, paying alimony can last a lifetime.  You want to be divorced.  Move on.  Close the wounds.

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“I believe that the facts of the case emphasize the need for re-examination of the entire concept of alimony and the continuing viability of that concept in contemporary society. Put another way, the question facing the Court is whether a judicially imposed system of involuntary servitude is to be continued wherein one human being is placed in bondage to another for what is effectively the remainder of his natural life.”

Idaho Supreme Court Justice Shepard in Olsen v. Olsen, 98 Idaho 10 (1976)

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Imagine being financially tied to the person you divorced so that you wouldn’t have to interact with them?   In most cases, the person receiving alimony is an able body person capable of earning a living.  Instead, like anyone on entitlements, they sponge off of the ex-spouse.  Where is the justice in this?  Why should a person be subjected to archaic laws and be forced into involuntary servitude and peonage, so that the recipient can “live in the lifestyle they have become accustom to”?

Mainstream media, listen up:  families are suffering out there because of alimony.  Especially with the economy in the dumps, some people are being forced to support two households and are barely holding on.  Listen to groups like Alliance for Freedom from Alimony.  This is a real problem and isn’t getting the attention that it needs.

There are real people out there who are hurting.  Here are some of the alimony slave stories.  You’ll be surprised to hear from women who are victims of this archaic practice.

The following were found on the website, Alliance for Freedom from Alimony:

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Posted: Tuesday, April 6, 2010 -  A Woman’s Point of View

Guys I am right there with you. I know I’m a woman but I am absolutely against alimony in this day and age. It’s barbaric and there is no reason for it.

I myself am a divorced mother of 2 kids. I get no child support (my choice) and no alimony . Matter of fact I was originally ordered to pay child support and alimony because I educated myself and made more money. So I kind of understand what it is to get screwed.

On the other hand, I am remarried to a wonderful man who is in the same boat as all of you. He pays his ex close to $2000.00 a month to sit on her ass and do nothing. They were married 9 years and he has permanent alimony.

We have a 2 year old together that he barely sees because he has to work an offshore job in order to pay his alimony and help out with our family that we have created.

You’re right it isn’t fair. It needs to stop. There is no reason for it.

And as a woman I can say, for all the lazy ass women out there who need to get off their ass and get a job,  Piss off and go back to work. There is plenty of help out there for education, daycare and such because I have used it.

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Posted: Tuesday, March 30, 2010 – Having to Work an Extra 13 Hour Weekend Shift the Rest of His Life

And just how many ex spouses can we be ordered to support?

I would still like to see a list of how much money everyone pays to support an ex spouse.  What is an, “ex spouse,” really worth?  Might there be some injustice in the differing dollar amounts we pay?

Was it illegal for the female judge to order me to liquidate my 401(k) retirement account to pay for my ex’s attorney bills?  When her attorney found I didn’t have enough money to cover his bill, he was kind enough to let me make additional payments over two years, interest free!  What a guy!

Maybe the female judge figured that since I was a Registered Nurse, I might enjoy helping strangers going through a period of illness in their lives, so I wouldn’t mind working an extra 13 hour weekend shift every week for the rest of my life, to support an abusive, and at times, mentally ill ex, that set a fire in the house, and frequently threatened to kill me, for stupid things like making eye contact with someone, or walking into a neighbor’s home.

The judge, most likely thought I enjoyed it when my ex accused me of having affairs with her friends, her daughter’s friends, my sister, my Mother, and, what brought me to the breaking point, our two Long coat Chihuahua’s.

God help me Bill.  I pay $1395.00 a month.  I know Doctors and Attorneys that pay less, or nothing at all!  How much to Judges pay in alimony cases to their exs?

Have we come out with new bumper stickers yet?  A bumper sticker that can be read from more than two car lengths away?  We need bigger, more legible, more aggressive bumper stickers.  How about one that shows, Permanent Alimony Equals Prison, Paid Or NOT !!!   Or, in place of the “Paid Or NOT”, have a picture of a person behind Prison Bars.  And make it large enough to be read by the average person’s eye sight at five car lengths away.  How much would we have to pay in dues to get our message on billboards!  We have to put an end to Alimony!

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Posted: Sunday, March 28, 2010 – Wants to End Forced Labor!

I would like to get more involved in ending Forced Labor.  I’ve been paying, paying, paying, for over five years.

I gave up a Palm Beach Garden home and $1,400.00 a month to get away from a 15 year marriage to a bipolar spouse that threatened my life, and started the house on fire. She was taken away by the Police, and volunteered to spend two weeks in a mental institution.

The female judge gave me two days to move out of the house, declared her totally disabled, even though she regularly walked two miles to the grocery store, at her choice, or rode her bike.  I feel like getting on the Montel show, to tell my, our, stories.

Permanent Alimony is Forced Labor in America, which to me amounts to Slavery, which even China just banned.  There must be an end to this injustice.

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Posted: Friday, March 19, 2010 – Family Law System Destroys the American Family

It’s the same old same old. I lost everything and the “X” vacations in Europe.  But what is unique is that I was sentenced to pay lifetime alimony.  The “X” is to receive the court ordered alimony from my estate after I die.  This is part of the divorce settlement.

The “X” is litigious to a fault and has already threatened my daughter in law with a law suit should I leave my granddaughter money for her education.  So we know she will sue any beneficiary of my estate such as a future wife.  This means I really can’t get married and expose a second wife to this kind of litigation.

I have been in a relationship since 1992 and we did try to get married by our pastor but that avenue is blocked with statues that make it unlawful to marry without a license.  They enforce this statute by jailing the pastor on a misdemeanor charge.  The point I am trying to make is that the family law system has destroyed the American family.

I think what bothers me most of all is that my son did not marry after seeing how his mother worked me over in the courts.  This makes my only grandson and name sake illegitimate.

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This is just a sampling of what alimony does to the family.  Each state has its own laws on alimony, so be careful about getting married.  Use this as an unconventional source of wisdom to help you make better choices before getting married.  Remember, marriage is a legal contract.

For more information on alimony reform resources and to get involved with an organization to reform the laws, visit Alliance for Freedom from Alimony.

Author of How To Avoid ‘Getting Screwed’ When Getting Laid

Most men have heard about “Prenuptial Agreements” and to a large degree they understand the conceptual nature of a Prenuptial Agreement. However, very few men understand that in the 21st century if you are going to get married, a Prenuptial Agreement is an absolute necessity!

The laws governing Prenuptial Agreements differ from state to state. However, simply stated, a Prenuptial Agreement (or Premarital Agreement) is a binding contract entered into by a couple prior to getting married. The contents of a Prenuptial Agreement can vary widely, but usually includes provisions for retention of property and assets owned prior to marriage, division of property and assets acquired during marriage, and for the payment (or non-payment) of spousal support (aka, alimony), in the event of a divorce or breakup of the marriage.

Oftentimes, the question becomes: How do I approach my lady about entering into a Prenuptial Agreement. How do I break the ice? More often than not, the fear is that if you raise the subject of a Prenuptial Agreement, you are going to cause an argument or that you may, at a minimum, cause a great deal of tension and anxiety between the two of you.

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“A Prenuptial Agreement can be drafted in a manner that protects

both you and your lady equally!”

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Succinctly stated: Do not allow fear of an argument or fear of possible tension and anxiety prevent you (or inhibit you) from starting a candid discussion concerning the need to create a Prenuptial Agreement for you and your prospective spouse!

Remember: Statistically speaking, approximately 50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce! Unfortunately, many good men and women have gone through this distasteful process. The question you must ask yourself is: What makes you (or your lady) so different that you will beat the odds?

A rhetorical question: How many good people do you know who have gotten divorced? To be clear, no one enters into marriage thinking that it is temporary or that it will end in divorce. However, given the statistical evidence, you must protect yourself from potential future harm.

A 2nd rhetorical question: If you knew that there was a 50% chance that you were going to be involved in an automobile accident tomorrow, wouldn’t it be wise to take precautions in advance? It is the same with Prenuptial Agreements! You do not know what will happen 5, 10, or 15 years from now!

A Prenuptial Agreement can be drafted in a manner that protects both you and your lady equally! Therefore, while you are on very good terms with each other, it is very wise to lay out the ground rules in the event that the two of you become a casualty of the modern-day divorce rate. The question becomes: How do I approach her about entering into a Prenuptial Agreement?

Some pointers: Start talking about Prenuptial Agreements early in your relationship. It does not have to be a deep or substantial discussion. At the right time or moment, you can casually let her know that you believe that it is wise for a couple to have a Prenuptial Agreement if they are going to get married. You do not have to discuss the details of a Prenuptial Agreement. To be candid, very early in a relationship is too early for this type of detailed discussion. However, at various times, you need to be very clear that you will not be getting married (to anyone) unless there is a Prenuptial Agreement.

____________________________________________________________

Get the First Chapter of this Ground Breaking Book FREE!

CLICK HERE

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As your relationship progresses, this discussion can evolve into greater detail and with more substance. By initiating a discussion about Prenuptial Agreements, she will know your views and understand very clearly that there will be ground rules for the two of you.

To be clear, a Prenuptial Agreement should not be one-sided. It should protect both you and her, if your marriage is not successful. If you are already involved in a long-term relationship, and you have not previously discussed a prenuptial agreement, then you need to do so immediately. In the 21st century, only a foolish man would get married without a Prenuptial Agreement.

As I indicated earlier, your first discussion about a Prenuptial Agreement does not have to be dramatic or a detailed discussion. You simply need to raise the issue so that a healthy discussion ongoing about Prenuptial Agreements can occur. And then, prior to getting married, the two of you should thoroughly work through the details of a Prenuptial Agreement.

Remember: The legal requirements for Prenuptial Agreements differ from state to state. Moreover, both of you should use separate attorneys to make sure that your Prenuptial Agreement is drafted correctly. Oftentimes I have heard that this process is expensive. And to be candid, there will be a cost involved to have your Prenuptial Agreement properly drafted. However, the cost of not having a Prenuptial Agreement is substantially greater, if your marriage is not successful!

Simply stated, most people will put together a Prenuptial Agreement that states: “What’s yours, is yours”, and “what’s mine, is mine”, and (in the event of divorce) “what is ours, will be divided equally”. There should also be a provision whereby neither one of you would pay spousal support (alimony) in the event of a divorce.

Very important: Each of you should have your own attorney, so that there exists no conflict of interest. Moreover, in order for a Prenuptial Agreement to be valid, it must be in writing, voluntary, there must be a full disclosure of each persons property, assets and debts (no secrets or deceit), and in many states it must be notarized.

Oftentimes, I have been told by men that when they have raised the issue of having a Prenuptial Agreement, that their lady has gotten extremely upset with them, an argument has ensued and have been told by their lady something to the effect that “You don’t love me”, “You don’t trust me”, or “How could you ask me to do something like this?”

Simply stated: It isn’t about love or trust! You are not a possession or investment! You are not a “human ATM machine!” You must respect yourself! You must protect yourself! You must respect her! You must protect her! And the only way to do this in a manner that will be fair to both of you is to establish the ground rules and the structure for a divorce (while you are on good terms) in the event that the two of you are not successful. Neither one of you should be subjected to the equivalent of “financial abuse” or “financial rape” in the future. And the best time, … the only realistic time is to prevent this possibility from occurring is prior to getting married.

Bottom Line: If your lady wants to get married, then she needs to understand there is going to be a Prenuptial Agreement. Remember: “No Prenuptial Agreement” equals: “No Marriage!” If your lady tells you that she will never sign a Prenuptial Agreement with you (or any man) then she is more concerned about your property and assets than she is about being in love with you, and it is time to move on and find a different woman!

Bottom Line: You would not go skydiving without a parachute, do not get married without a Prenuptial Agreement!

By Michael Webb

Author of 500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets

Here are five really simple ways to make your lovemaking more hot, steamy and passionate… (Even starting tonight)

1. Find your partner’s “hidden” zones

I call these “hidden” zones because many people don’t realize, or forget, that these areas of the body LOVE attention.

While many of these zones are obvious, like the lips, breasts, inner thighs and genitals, there are also areas that, when stroked, caressed and kissed, can drive your partner wild and even intensify their orgasm.

Believe it or not, the ears, neck, arms and hair are all really sensitive areas that love to be stimulated. Spend some time during foreplay
caressing and touching these areas, and watch how it pleases your partner.

2. Set a romantic mood

People often think that using candles, music, incense and even rose petals to set the mood of your lovemaking is too “cliché.” Are they kidding!
Your partner will LOVE YOU for this.

Just imagine how happy you would feel if someone went to all the trouble to create a special lovemaking occasion that you can cherish for years
to come. Could this be so “cliché” because people enjoy it so much? Point made.

3. Give them a sensual massage

Why stop at setting the mood? Go one step further and give your partner a sensual massage that makes them feel relaxed and loved at the same time. Make it sexy, sensual, and pleasurable.

Massage them naked or build up the anticipation by having them slowly undress during the massage. Then kiss, caress and slowly transition “under the sheets” where a massage of another kind can take place.

And no, you don’t need years of study to give a great massage. Just grab some candles and music, and bless your partner with an experience they’ll never forget.

4. Please your partner with more oral sex

Did you know that oral sex is a great way to strengthen your relationship? Think about it. It takes a lot of trust and comfort to let somebody
have their mouth down there. Not to mention it’s great for men who want to relax without pressure to perform, and for women who can’t reach orgasm from only intercourse. In short, it’s an important part of foreplay. Here are some tips for both men and women.

LADIES: Women often start fellatio by sucking on the penis straight away when, actually, they should start with some playful teasing and soft touches.  This will lead to a much more powerful orgasm as it heightens his anticipation.

GENTLEMAN: A mistake men often make is moving their tongue in a thrusting fashion, when stimulating the vagina and clitoris orally. Instead, they should lick it like an ice cream cone. Another great tip to keep things exciting is to write the alphabet around the clitoris with your tongue.

5. Constantly explore and try new things

If I could only give you one piece of advice for better lovemaking, it would be this: become adventurous and creative.

Nothing is stopping you from red-hot passion except your level of creativity. Try a new position, do it somewhere new, or spice up your foreplay with a game.

Let’s face it, the basic act of lovemaking, no matter how hard you try, is always kiss and thrust, but it’s HOW you do it and the way you make your
partner feel that really counts.

By dedicating time to finding new things, you can turn ordinary lovemaking into extraordinary lovemaking. This is the sure-fire way to make sure your lovemaking stays passionate, pleasurable, and intimate for years to come.

About the Author:

Oprah Love Expert Michael Webb is the author of 500 Lovemaking Tips, a book full of ways to spice up your lovemaking, adding more passion, pleasure andintimacy to your experience. To read more, visit:
500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets

www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION

In the middle of a session the other day I had a powerful realization. I was asked to think of a relationship I had with something in the last week that in my mind was the ideal relationship, and to think of what it was about that relationship that made it ideal.

A number of men in the group thought of their cars, tool sheds, families, workmates, old friends, even relationships with objects such as their television remote, recliner chair, or favorite pair of shoes. To each of these men, these things felt comfortable, and simple. The relationships they had with these people or objects was rewarding and easy to maintain.

When my turn came to identify my ideal relationship, I thought of my dog. My dog has very simple needs, and it is the ultimate ego-boost for me when I get home at night and I am greeted in such an enthusiastic fashion. I don’t know of any others that greet me so enthusiastically night after night. No matter how long I have been away from the house or no matter how my day has been. I call this unconditional love.

So what is unconditional love?

Unconditional love is the type of love that comes without conditions. It is the type of love that you have for your partner when the romantic, Hollywood-style love is gone. Once the romantic love is gone you make the transition to “real” love. Real love is love you have for your partner despite the knowledge that they are not perfect. You know your partner has faults. You know your partner is not perfect. You know your partner makes mistakes sometimes, but that’s okay. You still love them. This is unconditional love.

The same thing applies to you however in looking at your partner’s faults. You acknowledge that you are the same. You have faults. You are not perfect. You know you make mistakes sometimes, but that’s okay. That’s called self-acceptance, and you expect unconditional love to overcome the faults and imperfections that people have.

So what do you get from this then? Should we all go out and get dogs to teach us something about unconditional love? Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here. We all clutter our lives with trials and tribulations, and there is the temptation to let our issues rule our lives.

But if you are serious about saving your marriage you need to put the clutter to one side and let your unconditional love come through. It is okay to have faults and make mistakes. And love will conquer them all.

Have a think about unconditional love and how you can apply this realization to your relationship.

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This article is brought to you by Save My Marriage Today.

You may be making mistakes that will jeopardize your marriage recovery! My Save My Marriage Today course has helped save thousands of marriages and is guaranteed to deliver results or your money back.

You can’t afford to give your marriage 50%. You need 100% – you need the BEST information now! You have to learn what it takes to save your marriage. Get the whole package that gives you REAL results … guaranteed.

You have to go to http://www.savemymarriagetoday.com/ and get my course.

Because your marriage deserves better!

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Amy Waterman is a recognized relationship expert and writer who is known for her online courses and ebooks on relationships especially saving marriages. Save my marriage today by Amy Waterman is an online ebook that has guidelines on how to save your marriage.

www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com

Attract And Seduce Women Today

Touching/physical contact is an absolutely vital component of seduction. You can’t successfully pick-up a girl without first establishing a basic level of mutual tactility – I.E. Before you can move in for the kill by kissing and/or sleeping with her, you MUST first have a regular, healthy amount of touching that works both ways: she flirtatiously puts her hand on your knee, you encircle her waist with your arm and pull her a little closer – whatever form the physical contact takes, it has to be present for you to achieve your final goal of actual seduction. And that right there is where the problem for many men lies: how can a guy get the ball rolling when it comes to tactility and physical closeness? If the girl’s not being tactile, how can a guy develop mutual physical closeness without freaking her out or scaring her away?

Often men just “go for it” and consequently end up making the girl feel uncomfortable or even slightly violated because of their rushed attempt at physical closeness. Other men decide they don’t want to risk putting a girl off, so hold back any kind of touching or bodily contact – doing so usually sends out the wrong message, that the guy is either not interested in the girl, or that he’s simply too timid to show it, neither of which are attractive scenarios in the mind of a good-looking, fun-loving girl. Okay, so what’s the solution to this awkward problem?

Quite simply, you just need to follow a few basic rules or procedures, all of which conform to the personal boundaries of most girl (and therefore don’t appear uncalled for or rushed) but at the same time clearly indicate that you’re a confident guy who’s not afraid of getting to know girls and even showing it through casual, relaxed physical contact. So, let’s take a look.

1. Many men think that touching a girl in any way when they first meet them is an absolute no-no. But that’s simply not true. To form a positive, strong first impression and create an immediate bond with a girl when you first introduce yourself or get talking, casually and gently touch the outside of her right arm while at the same time verbally expressing something. The outside of a woman’s arm is not intimate enough a place for the touch to feel strange or out-of-place, but at the same time it’s a clear-cut sign that you’re a personable, socially adept kind of guy. Don’t be afraid to give it a try – you’ll notice the benefits immediately.

2. Once you’ve started a conversation with a girl, or when you randomly find yourself chatting to a woman you really like the look of, it’s important to keep up the physical contact. Doing so helps maintain the bond and rapport you’ve already created and also helps build it further, into mutually felt sexual attraction. You can use something called ‘Stealth Tactility’ to do this. Quite simply, stealth tactility involves making physical contact with the girl in a disguised way. For example, if she wants to go to the bar or bathroom but doesn’t know the way, you can use stealth tactility by placing your hand on her shoulder, drawing her in a little closer, swiveling both of your bodies round until you face in the right direction, then point past other people or obstacles with your other hand to where she needs to go.

3. Lastly, always try to use a ‘contact close’ when you finish your conversation with a girl. For example, after swapping numbers or arranging to meet again, give her a kiss on the cheek or a hug and a kiss. Many men think that the hard work’s been done once something’s been arranged for a later date, but making physical contact before you part with a girl is always a great way of ensuring she remembers you and really cannot wait to see you again.

Tiffany Taylor is the female author of GuyGetsGirl, a special guide that reveals for the first time what goes on the minds of women AND how men can use special psychological and social techniques to attract and seduce them – regardless of their looks, bank balance or the car they drive. Attract And Seduce Women Today

www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com

This happened to a friend on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took them by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. A few cutting words from a loved one, hurt feelings, and a defensive retort that left both with regrets. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of soda, the lid off the juice, or newspapers not picked up. But to them, it represented something much deeper that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks until the frustration reached breaking point.

If you feel your relationship is at breaking point, you can get relief right now by checking out:

http://www.savemymarriagetoday.com

There was intense frustration at having to search for something when it is not where it was expected to be. Worse still when one person shifted it and the other didn’t know the first place to begin searching.

Searching for that particular shirt or needles and thread, lost car keys, a document missing from a drawer, missing covers for the outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where the house had to be turned upside-down. A moment’s thought or a supportive reply when these things were discussed would have saved a lot of time and frustration. And the answer that was received? “You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better”

This off-hand comment characterized the undercurrent of misunderstanding and lack of compassion that had been running through the relationship for quite some time. One partner did the majority of the household chores and felt aggrieved that their efforts weren’t recognized.

Praise or gratitude was not expected, but simple recognition was. Getting told that “I don’t expect you to tidy the house or cook my dinner every night” was interpreted by my friend as ingratitude, and hurt her even more.

So where to from here? My friend’s partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas she felt guilty if it wasn’t perfect. It was never about her trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my friend’s efforts, and she in turn misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. My friend needed to be considered when things were not put back in their place. When two people live together it involves and adjustment in routines, habits, and attitudes. Some consideration of her feelings needed to be taken into account in order for the relationship to move forward.

There was a need to voice frustrations before they get to boiling point. What was needed was a commitment to talking about feelings more often, and in such a way that both partners could do so without judgment or consequence. Open communication was the key to their success, rather than suppressing feelings.

When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

They got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn’t hurt so much if you didn’t feel such love at the same time. But it serves as a good reminder to all. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

A problem shared is a problem halved…

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This article is brought to you by Save My Marriage Today.

You may be making mistakes that will jeopardize your marriage recovery! My Save My Marriage Today course has helped save thousands of marriages and is guaranteed to deliver results or your money back.

You can’t afford to give your marriage 50%. You need 100% – you need the BEST information now! You have to learn what it takes to save your marriage. Get the whole package that gives you REAL results … guaranteed.

You have to go to Save My Marriage Today and get these life-changing secrets.

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For those men who have gone through a divorce, you know that it often becomes a war.  Like any war, you must have strategies to win.

The e-book, by Jim Williams, a family law attorney, delves into detailed strategies to avoid losing your shorts and children.  Insider Secrets and Strategies That Men Must Know to Win Their Divorce is easy to read and understand.

Williams wrote the book because he was tired of seeing fellow men being taken advantage of again and again by the legal system.  He saw men lose everything that they worked so hard for.  Williams was one of those divorce attorneys who specialized in getting women everything that they wanted in their divorces.  It was his job to destroy poor saps before they even know what hit them.

“It used to be my job to “annihilate” poor saps like you before you even knew what hit you.”

Jim Williams

So now, Williams is turning the table and helping men.  Quite simply, this e-book contains everything you need to know to ensure you divorce goes the way you want it to.  You’ll learn divorce basics, insider tips and much more.

This book is easy to follow and understand.  Insider Secrets and Strategies That Men Must Know to Win Their Divorce will tell you why women file for divorce at twice the rate as men – plus, the #1 reason women file for divorce and how to turn this to your advantage during the divorce proceedings.  His book will also cover the biggest mistake you can make with your divorce lawyer – and how to avoid each of them and save yourself thousands of dollars in the process.

Insider Secrets and Strategies That Men Must Know to Win Their Divorce contains all the information you need to not just make it through a divorce but to win your divorce and get everything that you want.

The cost of  Insider Secrets and Strategies That Men Must Know to Win Their Divorce is low compared to the potential savings of having the knowledge you need.  Unfortunately, this book is a must read for any man thinking about or going through a divorce.

www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com

By Michael Webb

500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets

Are you frustrated that your relationship doesn’t have the magic and romance that it once had?

You’re not alone.

Living with the same partner for a long time can become stable and comfortable, and, as a result, can also kill the spark that made your relationship so special in the first place.

Here are some simple, fun and creative ideas to reignite that magic:

1. SEND THEM A UNIQUE GIFT

Get a piece of paper and some crayons. Draw a bright childlike picture with a smiley sun and two stick figures holding hands. Add labels with your two names pointing to the stick figures. Write ‘I Love You’ inside a heart. Next get a large formal envelope. Place your drawing inside and type up a formal address label of your partner’s workplace, such as:  “For the immediate and urgent attention of:  Rebecca Jones, Level 20, Collins & Smith Solicitors, New York.” Mail it to your partner so they receive it in the middle of a busy day.

2. BECOME KIDS AGAIN

If you are walking by a park, visit the swings and give your partner a ride. This will often bring back happy memories from their childhood.

3. FUN WITH WATER

On a hot summer’s day, buy two large water pistols and take them to the beach with you. Pull them out and throw one to your partner and then have a huge water fight.

4. A MASSAGE WITH A TWIST

Buy a small, decorated cardboard box, a sheet of colored tissue paper, some massage oil and a blank card. Line the box with the tissue paper. Place the massage oil in the box and write the following message on the card: I know a great masseur. For an appointment call: (Your Phone Number)

5. BRING BACK CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

Contact your partner’s family and ask if there was anything she always wanted when she was a little girl. For example if she always wanted a porcelain doll, buy one for her birthday. She will not only appreciate the gift, but also the fact that you were thoughtful enough to find out what she always wanted. You can do this for your man too.

6. STARE AT THE CLOUDS

Drive into the country, find a grassy hill, and lie with your partner and look up at the clouds.

7. WALK ALONG THE BEACH

Trace out the shape of a large love heart in the sand. Sit inside the heart and cuddle your partner as you watch the sun go down.

8. ORGANIZE A PICNIC ON A WARM SUMMER’S NIGHT

Spread a picnic blanket on the ground and get together some snacks, chocolates and champagne. Lie down on the blanket with your partner and gaze up at the stars together.

9. SHOW YOU’RE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR PARTNER

Leave a long-stem rose where your partner will find it, with a note on it saying: “Thank you for coming into my life.”

10. SPICE UP YOUR LOVEMAKING

Probably the most profound way to rekindle the romance in your relationship is to spice up your lovemaking. Surprise your partner with a little gift after you make love, try a new position, learn to give your partner a sensual massage before or after, or just spend some time staring into each other’s eyes and caressing their bare skin before making love.

Many people underestimate the affect passionate and intimate lovemaking has on a relationship. If you spice it up, chances are you and your partner will naturally do romantic things for each other. Why? Because passionate lovemaking connects two people in a meaningful and unexplainable way that nothing else can.

About the Author:

Oprah Love Expert Michael Webb is the author of 500 Lovemaking Tips, a book full of ways to spice up your lovemaking, adding more passion, pleasure and intimacy to your experience. To read more, visit:

www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com

Try these sure fire ways to get your woman to consider and sign a prenuptial agreement:

• Don’t make your first discussion dramatic or drawn out – simply raise the issue so that a healthy discussion ongoing about Prenuptial Agreements can occur. And then, prior to getting married, the two of you should thoroughly work through the details of a Prenuptial Agreement.

• Get her help to draft the prenuptial agreement – the fear of bringing up the idea of a prenuptial is that it is one sided and is aimed at ripping the other off.  This is farther from the truth. Don’t present it as an I win and you lose scenario.  If you use a You Win and I Win approach, you will have greater openness and it will lead to greater success at having her sign the document.   Don’t just present a draft to her.  Get her to help you draft a prenuptial agreement.  Get her input.  Understand her feeling.  Maybe get an unbiased third party to work with you prior to getting attorneys involved.    If approached positively, the results will be positive.  If she wants to argue with you or is taken back by the subject, then you know that you really are not on very good terms with each other.  If she is reasonable, she will listen and take part.

• What’s hers is hers and what is yours is yours – nothing wrong with this.  Make it clear that what you brought and what she brought to the marriage stays with that person.  If you inherited money or property before you marry, keep it in your name and don’t co-mingle.  Neither should she.  The caveat here is, unless she or you want to make what you have as part of the marriage pot.

• If you are in a better financial position, give her something in the prenuptial agreement – this is the woman you love and want to marry and spend the rest of your life with.  So, if you can, give her something she wants.  Ask her what she may want to have guaranteed to be hers if your relationship dissolves.  You’d be surprised as to what she wants.  Chances are it is something you could live without if you were to divorce.  Or, this is where the negotiating comes in.  Be honest with her and lay out all that you have and request the same of her.  This is not time to be dishonest.

• You are protecting her because you love her – come from her point-of-view.   She understands that there is a certain amount of unpredictability in marriage.  Who knows what it will be like 5, 10, 15 years from now.  Wouldn’t she want some predictability by having a document that states what she will get?  The marriage contract is unpredictable as to the outcome if you do part ways.  After all, you don’t even know where you will be living if you get a divorce.  There are different laws for each state or country.  Protect her, at the same time, protect yourself.

“ Very important: Each of you should have your own attorney, so that there exists no conflict of interest. Moreover, in order for a Prenuptial Agreement to be valid, it must be in writing, voluntary, there must be a full disclosure of each person’s property, assets and debts (no secrets or deceit), and in many states it must be notarized,”  writes RK Hendrick, the author of  How to “Avoid Getting Screwed” When Getting Laid.

“Simply stated: It isn’t about love or trust! You are not a possession or investment! You are not a “human ATM machine!” You must respect yourself! You must protect yourself! You must respect her! You must protect her! And the only way to do this in a manner that will be fair to both of you is to establish the ground rules and the structure for a divorce (while you are on good terms) in the event that the two of you are not successful. Neither one of you should be subjected to the equivalent of “financial abuse” or “financial rape” in the future. And the best time, … the only realistic time is to prevent this possibility from occurring is prior to getting married.”

RK Hendrick, ESQ

You can get prenuptial information or the forms yourself, if you are not in a position to hire two attorneys.

Keep in mind, that every state has different laws, so make sure that you are getting the correct information and forms to file a prenuptial agreement in your state.  You may want to check out online legal document sources like LegalZoom.

LegalZoom’s 3-step process was developed by attorneys from some of the most prestigious law firms in America. There are no complex instructions to follow and nothing to download or print. Simply answer a few questions and they take care of the rest…

There is another online source, Prenuptial Agreement Form. They provide you with state specific prenuptial forms at a fraction of the price charged by an attorney.  Not only is it cost effective but also professional, convenient and easy to use.

If you knew that there was a 50% chance that you were going to be involved in an automobile accident tomorrow, wouldn’t it be wise to take precautions in advance?  You’d have the best possible coverage for everyone in the car.  You’d be behind the most advanced crash tested automobile on the market.

Get the protection you both need.  If you approach it correctly, she will understand and agree.  If she is not agreeable, you did yourself a favor by having a better understand of who you are dealing with.  If she is reluctant after you have tried the 5 tips above, imagine how acrimonious your divorce will be.

Having gone through it for over two years, there is no doubt that it is one of the most trying times of your life.  Your world will be dramatically changed is an understatement.  You are going to be stressed; you may even get depressed.  You will be overwhelmed by all the legal processes that your attorney will drag you through before you get to a possible trial.

You are under constant pressure from your attorney, the opposing council, your soon-to-be ex and the courts.  You are also under scrutiny.  Everything that you did and will do during the separation will be viewed and documented.  Your financials are open for all to see.  How you spend your money will be analyzed.  What you say or do with your kids will be met with a keen eye of the opposing council, trying to gather any evidence against you.

Your kids will hate you because they don’t understand why you are changing their world.  They will lash out at you.  They will go see a psychologist, at her request, so that they can get help with this emotionally trying time.  Also, so that she can possibly gather information that she could use against you.

There are many books to read when contemplating or preparing for a divorce.  Unfortunately, many of the legal books are difficult to understand or are frankly boring.  Others don’t truly prepare you for the on slot of the battle that is brewing.

There is one book that goes over in detail how to win your divorce without losing your shorts or your kids.

The first interesting point made in this book, Insider Secrets and Strategies That Men Must Know to Win Their Divorce, is that most divorce attorneys don’t care one iota about you.  They are in the business to make money, not to help you win your divorce or get custody of your kids.  A mistake many men make is getting a high priced attorney and letting him or her run your entire case.

It is important to increase your knowledge about divorce.  You wouldn’t go into battle without knowing what the enemy is capable of doing?  You shouldn’t go into a divorce without arming yourself with information.

Here are some of the tips covered in the book, Insider Secrets and Strategies That Men Must Know to Win Their Divorce.

• Why women file for divorce at twice the rate of men – plus, the #1 reason women file for divorce and how to turn this to your advantage during the divorce proceedings!

• How to separate from your wife – without also being separated from your house, your kids, your assets and everything else that you worked so hard for all these years!

• A simple tip that will quickly and easily prevent your wife from hiring the best divorce lawyers in town – you’ll be amazed – and extremely grateful – when you read this amazing tip!

• The biggest mistakes you can make with your divorce lawyer – and how to avoid each of them and save yourself thousands of dollars in the process!

• The tax implications of a divorce settlement – and how to ensure you get a tax break instead of a big tax bill in the spring!

• How to win a divorce without ever even having to go to court – these tips could save hundreds of dollars in court fees!

• How to get a great divorce settlement faster than you ever dared dream possible – and while spending less than you could ever hope for!

• How to dramatically lower your alimony payment – or even get rid of it all together!

• How to save thousands of dollars on your divorce

• How to find the right attorney

• What the correct divorce filing procedures are

• How to negotiate an equitable settlement as well as how to negotiate alimony and child support

• How to best communicate with your children during a divorce

• How to prepare for divorce court

• What you need to know before filing for divorce

• How to do your own divorce without an attorney’s assistance

• How to protect your assets

• How to ensure you are prepared for your divorce

• When not to go to trial

When you go through a divorce, plan on losing some friendships that you developed during the marriage.  You will lose some advice from those friends that could help you.  You will be basically alone through this divorce process.  You need impartial, practical help.   Insider Secrets and Strategies That Men Must Know to Win Their Divorce, is a resource that will help you through the battlefield.

According to the article, Top 5 Reasons Why People Go Bankrupt, by Mark P Cussen posted on Yahoo Finance, March 22, 2010, the fourth reason people file for bankruptcy is divorce or separation.  Cussen writes:  “ Marital dissolutions create tremendous financial strain on both partners in several ways. First come the legal fees, which can be astronomical in some cases, followed by a division of marital assets, decree of child support and/or alimony, and finally the ongoing cost of keeping up two separate households after the split. The legal costs alone are enough to force some to file, while wage garnishments to cover back child support or alimony can strip others of the ability to pay the rest of their bills. Spouses who fail to pay the support dictated in the agreement often leave the other completely destitute.”

So, how do you stay out of financial trouble and avoid some of the pitfalls of divorce or separation.  The suggestions below will make you think divorce before marriage.

Don’t get married – this is an obvious suggestion to avoid divorce debt.  Yes, the only way to get divorce debt is from a marriage.  You need to understand that marriage is a LEGAL contract.  Marriage is legal; love is not legal.  You can have a commitment with a woman without the law getting in the way.  There is however, a 50% chance that you will get lucky and stay married 60 years, when your hair is gone, you suffer ED and you grin and bear it until it hurts.   Or, you can find a like minded woman who hasn’t bought into the legal commitment idea, who loves you and is committed in spirit and body as you are to her.

Don’t get divorced – hopefully, if you are married, you are one of the lucky ones who made the right choices and will stay ‘til death do you part.  Unfortunately, you may be one of those who are too afraid to leave her because you know that you will get screwed if you do.  So you stay in the marriage and pray for the day that you will be taken out of your personal misery.  Keep in mind, the majority of the divorces are initiated by women, so you may not have a choice.

Don’t co-mingle credit – if you have joint credit cards or own a house together or own anything together you will be in a rude awakening when you duke it out during divorce.  You are on the hook for the joint card that was paid off every month while you were married, that suddenly becomes maxed out by your ex during separation.  Even if you try to remove yourself from the card or close it, you will have an impossible time…especially if she is the primary on the card.  She can get the limit increase without your permission.  You know that house you are paying?…it is upside down now or you are barely breaking even.  You are on the hook for that mortgage note.  You know that she is not going to pay the mortgage while you are separated.  Same for the car, or any other joint credit.   Your credit will be out of control.  Your credit rating will drop like your recent 401K balance has dropped.

Don’t pay alimony – alimony judgments in most states are out of control.  Figure out a way to get out of paying her alimony.  Offer her a lump sum.  Suing her for alimony may throw her or her attorney off.   Alimony is financial slavery.  Often, even filing bankruptcy can’t get you out of paying alimony. To learn more about alimony reform click here.

Don’t pay your attorney – You are going to lose almost everything.  Have your attorney stand in the outstretched grabbing hand line.  For the most part, they still need to represent you.  If not, then get free or low cost legal help.  There are lots of books that can help you prepare.  A recommended resource is Insider Secrets and Strategies That Men Must Know to Win Their Divorce.  Or if you are daring, do it on your own… Pro Se.  You know that your attorney will find something you own and file a lien against it.

Don’t pay her attorney – in the final settlement, the opposing council (OC) will add what he or she should get paid by you.  Yes, you will be demanded to pay her fees.  Either don’t agree and take a chance of the divorce going to court, where the judge will order you to pay OC.  Or take your licks and pay some by negotiating the fee in half.  Beats what the judge may order.

Get the IRS to pay for child support – if you get your child support payments changed to maintenance, you could save 30% by paying the support with pre-tax dollars.  Check with a qualified attorney and certified accountant to get full advice on this saver.

Get an ironclad prenuptial agreement – it makes sense to have a legal document that protects you from a legal document that could give you a world of hurt for many years if broken by either party.  Don’t take a chance by having your credit destroyed, your assets ripped apart and your future paying for the past.  You are also protecting her.  What is yours is yours; what is hers is hers; and what is gained by both needs to be worked out and documented in a prenuptial agreement.  For more information on why you need a prenuptial agreement, read How to Avoid “Getting Screwed” When Getting Laid.

Don’t offer to pay for anything that you are not ordered to pay – this may sound cold, but you are now taking care of two households on the same salary that you did before.  So, in order to do this, you already have to dip into that saving or investment.   You’ll probably need to get credit cards in your name…bad idea.  You will get trapped; especially now with how the banks and credit card companies are ripping off the consumers.  You may have to tap your retirement account.  Fees and taxes will kill you. So, stay out of personal debt if you can.  You will be forced to get another job or an additional job to stay above water.  If you get another job, you will pay more in taxes if you make more.  The net result will be negligible.  If you get an additional job, you will pay more in taxes and will spend less time with your kids, if you have them.

Get pre-divorce help from a financial adviser – get an expert to lay things out to you.  One certainty; no one can afford to get divorced.  But, a financial adviser will tell you straight up how bad it will be when you venture into the thick black forest of divorce.

You may be better off taking the first suggestion offered here – Don’t Get Married.  Keep in mind that what may seem grand now may cost you $30 grand or more down the road.  Make wise choices.

The likelihood of being forced to pay alimony

As a man, you have to pull your hair out when you are dealing with an antiquated legal system that favors the woman when it comes to alimony.  The woman’s attorney looks at how many years the woman was married and then calculates how long the man will have to pay alimony.  If you have been married 4 years or less, alimony is not likely.  Between 7 and 12 years of marriage, it is slightly possible to probable.  If you have been married for 15 years or more, in states like Florida, it is “almost definite” and it will be permanent.  Permanent if she found a way to not work during most of the marriage.

Now, you want to settle out of court, because you will probably get a worse deal if the judge gets a hold of your case in a pro-alimony state.  So, on the advice of your attorney, you give in and hope that she will get married some day.  But, you know, why should she?  She is an able body woman, with a college degree who is living off of you.  Talk about the ultimate entitlement!

Paying alimony for a period of time, known as rehabilitative, is understandable.  Give her time to get up to speed so that she can get back in the workforce or start her own business.  But, paying until forever just doesn’t work and is an archaic notion.  Woman should be embarrassed to be sponging off an ex-husband.  The idea of getting a divorce is to get out of a bad relationship; not to get out of a bad relationship to be reminded of it twice a month with an alimony check…FOR LIFE.

Alimony without divorce legal in Maryland

Yes, you read that correctly.  According to an article by Peter Hermann in the Baltimore Sun, December 9, 2009, in Maryland, you don’t need to be divorced to be forced to pay alimony.  The second highest court in Maryland ruled, in a unanimous decision, upholding a circuit judge ruling.  A couple came to court without attorneys and without the witnesses required to testify before getting legally unhitched. The Circuit Court judge refused to divorce them, but he did order that the husband pay the wife $764 a month in child support and $1,500 a month in alimony.  Using a ruling from 1777 as a precedent, when Maryland first started hearing cases involving alimony, ruled on the appeal from the circuit court ruling.  Retired judge, Charles E. Moylan Jr., who ruled for the husband, was quoted in the article: “The notion of alimony totally disconnected from a divorce, albeit a practice boasting a venerable pedigree, has become at least quaintly anachronistic, if not actually vestigial, in 21st Century Maryland.”

North Carolina needs alimony guidelines: it’s time for a change

On the site, Divorce Crossroads, Scott Allen argues that North Carolina should adopt state-wide alimony and post separation guidelines.  Allen goes on to explain.    In North Carolina the amount and duration of alimony (and the amount of temporary support prior to alimony being set – called post-separation support) is in the discretion of the trial judge and this leads to the following:

1. In similar fact scenarios the outcomes will be different from different judges and in different jurisdictions around the state.
2. Since the outcome of an alimony case is not easily determined, alimony claims are difficult to settle.
3. Since alimony is difficult to settle, clients have to spend more money to litigate cases.
4. Since alimony cases are difficult to settle judges have more alimony cases to hear.

Virginia alimony statue creates a trap for the unwary

Even though parties have a Property Settlement Agreement which does not provide for spousal support at the present time, it is common practice for the Property Settlement Agreement to state that one of the spouses is awarded a reservation of spousal support. When the parties drafted such a provision for a reservation of spousal support, it was probably their intent that the spouse in whose favor the reservation was granted could, at any time in the future, ask the court to award spousal support. However, if their Property Settlement Agreement is incorporated into a Virginia divorce decree in a case which is filed after July 1, 1998, then it will be a case in which the right to spousal support is reserved and therefore it will be presumed that the reservation will last for one-half of the length of the marriage because there are no provisions in the Property Settlement Agreement to overcome the presumption.  By Myron Teluk, AttorneyVirginia.com published in Divorcenet.com.

Permanent Alimony & The Stay At Home Mom: Florida Divorce and Alimony

Whitney R Lonker,  wlonker@woodatter.com, wrote in his blog in September 2009:

Florida law provides for permanent alimony when certain statutory factors are met however, in the end, it’s still up to a Judge. Having said that, the length of the marriage is one factor the Courts look to in determining permanent alimony. Usually if the marriage is 10 years or fewer, the courts consider this a short-term marriage and there is a presumption against permanent alimony. If the marriage is 11-16 years, the courts deem this as a “gray area” length of marriage with no presumption either way for or against alimony. A marriage of 17 or more years is considered by the courts to be long-term with a presumption in favor of permanent alimony. However, the requesting spouse has to show a need for the support and the other spouse has to show an ability to pay it. On July 29, 2009, the Florida 3rd DCA stated that there is a strong factor support permanent alimony where a spouse remained home caring for the family rather than pursuing a career for a significant period of time.

Alimony Reform – The Alliance for Freedom leads the way

The Alliance for Freedom is an organized group focusing entirely on legislative efforts to reform the present alimony laws in Florida, some of the most archaic laws in the country.  The group has moved into the next generation of activates to maximize its efforts and effectiveness.  Not only do spouses who pay “lifetime” alimony suffer, but their families, second spouses or significant others are affected.  There is a negative trickle-down effect that has an affect on the whole society and economy and it is time for a change in the laws.

There is a new emphasis on educating the public and those responsible for making the laws that affect family law.  There is a pressing need to end the continuing financial marriage that survives and lives long after the dissolution of marriage that terminated the relationship of the spouses.

The organization is fighting Florida House Bill 277.  This bill allows for:

Award of more than one type of alimony; revises factors to be considered in whether to award alimony or maintenance; provides for award of bridge-the-gap alimony for limited period; provides that such award is not modifiable; provides for award of rehabilitative alimony, durational alimony, & permanent alimony in certain circumstances; provides for modification or termination of such awards.

“H.B. 277 currently before the legislature expands and deepens the Alimony scheme—–a very bad bill.”

R. C. (Dick) Lindsey, Chairman Alliance for Freedom From Alimony, Inc.

The efforts that are made towards reform in Florida will pave the way for other states to follow. Only by your participating and joining the Alliance team, www.alimonyreform.com , will this happen.

“We are currently working with the legislature to make changes to the permanent lifetime Alimony laws—–hopefully change to a system like Texas and some other states have.” wrote Lindsey.

Texas Alimony Law

In order to qualify for spousal maintenance in Texas, the requesting party must meet one of four requirements:

1. The paying spouse was convicted of family violence within 2 years of the date of the filing of divorce;
2. The marriage was 10 years or longer and the requesting spouse lacks sufficient property to provide for minimal needs (including property awarded in the divorce) and is unable to support him/herself through appropriate employment because of an incapacitating physical or mental disability;
3. The marriage was 10 years or longer and the requesting spouse lacks sufficient property to provide for minimal needs (including property awarded in the divorce) and is the custodian of a child who requires substantial care and personal supervision, making it necessary for that spouse to remain at home with that child; or
4. The marriage was 10 years or longer and the requesting spouse lacks sufficient property to provide for minimal needs (including property awarded in the divorce) and the requesting spouse lacks earning ability in the labor market adequate to provide support of minimal needs.

If the party qualifies for maintenance under (1) (3) or (4), the maximum term of maintenance is 3 years and the amount ordered cannot exceed 20% of the gross income of the paying spouse. If the party qualifies for maintenance under (2), the term can be indefinite.                           Source: Divorcenet.com

With alimony and other divorce related laws, it is up to each state to determine the laws and judgments.  Doesn’t it make sense for states to adopt “best practice” laws and create a uniform system?

The alimony laws, in most states, are outrageous and so out of touch with the reality of life.  Too often, the man is forced to carry the burden of providing for a woman who is very capable of caring for herself.

Unfortunately, the law is not always about what is fair.  It’s time for reform.

There is nothing as emotional as dealing with a child custody battle during or even after the divorce is finalized.  Men, Imagine yourself having to justify and defend everything you say or do around your kids.  Often, she is going to make you out to be this terrible father.  One of the saddest situations is when a child is manipulated or bribed to turn against his father.  There is a man, let’s call him Jim, who, after 10 years divorced, is still dealing with custody issues with his ex-wife.  She maliciously keeps his sons from him, despite a court ordered visitation schedule.  She moved the kids, to make it harder for him to see them.  She even accosted the man at the kid’s school.  The altercation landed him in jail and with fines.  He was then ordered to have supervised visitation with his kids.  This man is a good father…he has a great relationship with his boys.  His boys are at the age where they need a man to help guide them.  She is getting in the way.  She is hurting her sons.  The boys will learn negative things about women because of the manipulation the mother is doing.  It is truly sad.

                         Custody Center

Fathers need to spend more time with kids

Most fathers want to have contact with their kids.  Much more than the courts seem to think.  It is assumed that the man will only get time share with the kids every other weekend and in the middle of the week.

This arrangement is bunk.  Kids need more time and more consecutive days with the father.  A better arraignment is up to two weeks straight with the kids.  This allows the father more time to bond with the kids.  Also, he can get involved with everyday things like homework or after school sports.

When kids, especially boys, get to their teens, they need the guidance from the male figure more than they do from the female.  A teen looks to the man as a role model.  A good relationship will help keep the teen from getting into trouble.  Also, the teen is learning about relationships.  This is an opportunity to teach the teen, if a male, how to treat a woman or if a female, how a man should treat her respectfully.

Not every man is a deadbeat

It has been ingrained in our minds that, as men, we provide for the family.  Divorce is a financial drain on the man who is often maintaining two households.  Unfortunately, there is a pervasive attitude that the courts don’t always rule gender neutral and make it impossible for a man to financially survive.  Men are often left feeling powerless due to the legal system.

Unmarried couples with kids

If you are an unmarried couple with kids, you need to have a cohabitation agreement.  Go to http://www.thinkdivorceb4marriage.com/?page_id=1097 to get information about cohabitation.

When it comes to custody, unmarried men and women face issues similar to married couples.  Men in particular have a tough time establishing their parental rights when they aren’t married.  Without a cohabitation agreement, you may be in for a difficult court battle on your hands if you want either full or partial custody of the children.  You know it will be easier to get a judgment to pay child support than to get your parental rights.

Resources to help you

There are several resources to help the non-custodial parent.  Here are a couple of those resources.

Dr. Barry Bricklin and Dr. Gail Elliot, two of the country’s most famous and respected child custody experts, have developed a unique program that gives fathers the best chance of winning a favorable custody arrangement.  For information on their program, go to http://www.custodycenter.com/NEW4-113/index.html?hop=divorceb4

Alliance for Non-Custodial Parents Rights
Alliance for Non-Custodial Rights is a nonprofit corporation dedicated to protecting and promoting the civil and inalienable human rights of non-custodial parents and their families. ANCPR believes that many aspects of the current and proposed laws concerning visitation, custody and child support enforcement violate the constitutional rights of all non-custodial parents. ANCPR also believes that it is in the “best interest of the child” to have equal access to both parents, and that shared custody arrangements that specify 50/50 joint physical custody should be the presumption in Family Law.

If you want to modify a court ordered custody or visitation plan without an attorney in any of the 50 states and DC, check out this site -  CustodyCenter.com

Men, more than just fighting for your paternal rights, fight for your kids.  It is your great influence and guidance that your kids need.

There are two things guaranteed:  death and taxes.

If you are divorced or separated, you have additional deductions or you have tax consequences.

Child Support is not Tax Deductible

Many newly divorced or separated people don’t know that child support is NOT tax deductible.  The Internal Revenue Service’s thinking behind this is that you would have the cost associated with child support any way and supporting your family wouldn’t normally be deductible; except, any allowable deductions that would be under any other normal IRS code.  What about a guy who is unfairly forced by the courts to pay child support for a child that is not his responsibility?  Yes, this happens.

After the divorce, DNA has proven that the kids are not biologically his.  This happened in a case in Florida in 2007, with Richard Parker.  Once he discovered that the children were not his, he petitioned the court to stop paying child support.  The case went to the state supreme court, and the court ruled 7-0 against Parker, forcing him to continue to pay.  If you care to read the case, Richard Edward Parker, Petitioner, vs. Margaret J. Parker (2007) Florida Supreme Court, (February 01, 2007) .

You may be able to claim your child or children as an exemption even if you are the noncustodial parent.  If you haven’t settled your divorce yet, have tax exemptions spelled out in.  If you are working and the soon-to-be-ex is not, make sure that you get it in writing that you get the child exemption until the ex gets a job.  Also, make sure that if you have multiple kids, that you get some of the exemptions or if you have one kid, every other year.  Get the exemption.  But, it doesn’t stop there; you must have the custodial parent sign the IRS form 8332, Release of Claim to Child Exemption and file it with your tax return.

Divorce Legal Fees are not Deductible, with an exception

You just paid, probably $15,000 to $30,000 on a divorce and this huge amount of money is not tax deductible.  Divorce is considered a personal matter by the IRS.  It’s crazy that you can’t deduct these expenses, but you can deduct the legal fees for a Trust.  There is, however, an exception for legal divorce fees.  If you hired an attorney to recover or enforce an IRS deductible expense, then you can deduct the fees.  So, since alimony is deductible for one and taxable for the other, if you are defending against alimony or trying to enforce alimony, the fees paid to an attorney would be deductible in this case.  Now this brings up a gray area. During the course of the divorce, there would be a portion of legal fees related to alimony, so is any of this deductible and what documentation is needed to support the deduction?   This is a good question to ask an attorney or certified tax preparer.

Alimony is deductible

Men, since you are usually in the position to pay alimony, you get a tax break.   But, of course the IRS has rules on what is considered alimony.  For example, if you pay the mortgage on the family home after you leave, this is not tax deductible.  You will however, be entitled to share in the mortgage interest and property tax deduction.  But, if you don’t own a home and say you pay the rent directly to the landlord, you are out of luck on getting credit for a tax deduction.  So, if you lived in an apartment, pay you ex directly, during the separation with a check made out to her.

Generally, alimony is tax deductible to the person who pays it and it is taxable to the person who receives it.  This could be some savings for you, the payer.

However, just because a payment is called “alimony” it still has to pass the IRS rules as defined in the code, defining “alimony” and “separation”.  Rule one is that the payment must be made in cash or check with supporting documentation.  Must be received “under a divorce or separation instrument”.  Something in writing like a court order, separation agreement or settlement.

Other Deductions

Make sure that you work out in your settlement who will get deductions on the mortgage interest and taxes and who will pay taxes on miscellaneous interest, capital gains, gain on house sale (yeah, right!) and the like.  Don’t get stuck with all the taxable items.  Make sure you get some tax breaks.  Especially if you are covering the majority of the costs for two households during the separation and during the divorce and even after the divorce.

IRS Publication 504

There are many tax issues to consider during or after the divorce process.  Please fill in your name and e-mail address below and we will send you the IRS Publication 504 with the IRS Codes for divorced or separated individuals.  We hope that this site is informative for you.  By completing the information below you will be sent future informative notices to your e-mail.  We respect your privacy.  Please read our privacy notice.

NOTICE: we are not attorneys or certified tax preparers and we are not giving advice.  This information within is general information and the opinion of the writer.  Please consult with an attorney or a certified tax preparer with your specific situation.

When you have kids, a house, investments and years of marriage, getting divorced becomes a nightmare. A big part of the nightmare is how you are treated by most family law attorneys. Your life is going to hell and you are just a recurring revenue stream for that attorney to make his Beemer payment, rent on that fancy office and lining his pockets with your hard earned money.

The free half hour consultation is like a first date. They look so good; they have the pedigree, with diplomas up and down the wall. They often paint a better than average picture of the perceived outcome of the ensuing case. Of course they can’t guarantee the outcome, but they do sound encouraging. They hand you a few pamphlets and some documents to review. One form they give you is the retainer agreement with an ironclad one way contract in favor of the lawyer if you have a billing dispute down the road. Just make out the $5,000 retainer  check to the name of the firm. You can look around, but most family law attorneys are really the same. You may get lucky on your second attorney and find someone who bucks the odds.

Now it is time for an attorney joke.

Excess billing hours
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

Before you go to the expense of retaining an attorney, here are a 8 things a divorce attorney doesn’t want you to know:

The $5,000 retainer doesn’t go far – That $5,000 retainer quickly turns into $30,000 and you haven’t even settled or gone to court. More than likely your case will be contested and will drag on. Be prepared for a long drawn out battle. Understand that you are not only dealing with an adversary, your soon to be ex, but your attorney who makes money billing hours and the opposing counsel who makes money from billable hours. You, as the man, are often left paying for your attorney, her attorney and two households. Say goodbye to your savings, earnings and retirement nest egg. Say hello to what I call “divorce debt”.

You will kill 20 trees – the amount of paperwork is staggering. You will have boxes of motions, interrogatories, financial affidavit, notices to appear, depositions and bills from your attorney. In this day of electronic documents, you’d think that the legal system would catch on. Every document, even though there is probably a template, cost you $250 to $400 an hour. $400 for the “my shit doesn’t stink” attorney who turns on you down the road. Just wait, you’ll see.

When did you do that? – When you look at your bill, you’ll see the 10 min call to the opposing counsel that really doesn’t accomplish much. You are billed for that time. You are billed for all behind the scenes stuff. You don’t know how effective this is, because your case is going nowhere. You attorney blames the opposing counsel for dragging it on because they don’t respond to that 10 min call message. You are an attorney, figure out a way to get the OC’s attention! Right, don’t settle it now, you need more billable hours.

Now you tell me – Get the strategy figured out from the get go or the case will drag on. Nope, your attorney will want to get the forest of tree documents done during the first several weeks…there goes the $5,000 retainer on template forms. Completing theses forms will drive you bonkers. It’s like going back to college and taking that finance course you avoided. Also, you were so busy making a living, you didn’t know where half the accounts were and how to get statements for the financial affidavit.

Settle right and settle early – Are you kidding? First, you spend so much time with the paperwork; there isn’t time to settle early…so insist on it. Make sure that your attorney has a plan to settle right and early; not just a marriage settlement agreement that is unrealistic. If your chosen attorney pushes back on settling right and early, get out of the contract. Of course you lose your retainer. So, make sure that you have it put in the agreement that you get X amount back if you are not happy with the performance.

I’m going to stretch this out for more billable hours – Attorneys seem to drag things out and find ways to avoid good, solid follow up with opposing counsel. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself coming up with suggestions on being persuasive. Isn’t that what an attorney is supposed to do…be persuasive?

In this state you are facing possible permanent alimony – What? That is crazy. She is able to work. Well, the courts will side with her. You’re an attorney, isn’t there a workaround?

Collaborative process – If you have an uncontested divorce, try to work things out with limited use of an attorney. You and your soon-to-be-ex may agree on many aspects and settle. That uncontested divorce, with an attorney, could become exacerbated and turn into a contested deal. More billable hours.

For more suggestions on what to watch out for, check out the ground breaking book, How to Avoid “Getting Screwed” When Getting Laid.

We want to read what you think.  Send in your comment below.

For the couples living together rather than getting married or couples who have children out of wedlock, it is important to have some protection to clarify financial commitments.

A cohabitation agreement is a legal agreement between the couple that defines who is responsible and what share of responsibility each has in running the home.  The couple gets together to work out the details of paying the bills, what portion of the bills are paid and by whom.  This part of the agreement allows for a more harmonious environment.

The cohabitation agreement is also like a prenuptial agreement, designed to determine in advance who brought what assets to the relationship and what will be done with any joint assets.  Cohabitating couples, like married couples, apply for mortgages and raise children.  So, they have assets together and joint children to think about.

If the cohabitating couple were to break up, the cohabitation agreement would give the parties protection if there are some contested issues.  In R.K. Hendrick’s book, How to “Avoid Getting Screwed” When Getting Laid, he addresses the cohabitation agreement.  Hendrick has an extensive legal career spanning nearly 20 years.

“Discover what the real story is regarding: “Co-Habitation Agreements,” “Pre-Nuptial Agreements,” and “Post-Nuptial Agreements” and which one of these can save you from years (possibly a lifetime) of devastating misery and financial loss …”

R.K. Hendrick, Esq

To get the FREE preview of his ground breaking book, How to “Avoid Getting Screwed” When Getting Laid, click here.

There was a famous legal case back in the 1970s that if the couple had a cohabitation agreement, the judgment of the case would have probably had a different outcome.   Michelle Marvin v. Lee Marvin, 18 Cal.3d 660 (1976). The case overview was the nonmarital partner of actor Lee Marvin sued him when he kicked her out of the house they shared.  She sued him, saying that the two of them had entered into an oral agreement that while living together they would combine earnings and share equally in any accumulation as a result of their efforts, whether individually or combined.   The holdings of the case:  1. Nonmarital partners are not entitled to division of community property, but the courts will instead enforce express agreements between the parties to the extent that these agreements do not rest on an unlawful meretricious consideration.  2. In the absence of an express agreement, the courts may look to a variety of other remedies in order to protect the parties’ lawful expectations.   Source: kylewood.com

So, if Michelle had a written agreement, like a cohabitation agreement, the results of the case against Lee Marvin would likely have been different and in her favor.

Whether you are a man or a woman, the main earner or minor earner in the couple, you need to take action to protect both of your interests.

Have you been burned in a cohabitation situation without an agreement?  Leave your comment or situation below so that others can learn.

It is clear that the wedding is all about the woman.  From an early age, girls have been bombarded with images of weddings and marriage.  The fairy tales of the kissing prince and the glorious wedding.  So, she has been trained, actually brainwashed into thinking it is “her day”. Guess what?…it IS her day.   Dude, you are along for the ride.   Taste some cake; maybe help pick the ceremony or reception location. But, for the most part, you step aside or at the very least go through the motions.

After all, you don’t care much what Vera Wang like dress she gets.  You don’t really care if the bridesmaid’s dresses are blue, yellow, green or pink.  You may care about the honeymoon location, since you have been working your ass off to pay for the wedding and you need a vacation.

Maybe, you’ll have some control over the bachelor party.   Probably have some restrictions…the dos and don’ts from her.  As if you don’t have enough self control to plan a reasonable night with your buddies.

Why is it the bride-to-be always wants to lose weight before walking down the aisle?   It doesn’t matter how skinny she is, she still wants to shed a few pounds.   Guess it’s time to lose the weight before prime June wedding time rolls around, since the ads are out encouraging a weight loss. There was a recent ad aimed at helping her to fit in the two sizes smaller wedding dress.

The ad had an attractive blonde woman turned to the side holding a bouquet in her right hand, a big smile and a huge rock on her ring finger. The copy read…

”The train on my dress did not need a caboose. With my big day looming, not to mention the fitting for my dress, there was no way I was going to live heavier ever after…the only thing left to say (besides the vows) was: I am so ready for my moment! “-Dana H.

After the ring is on her finger, does she still have the same zeal to keep off those pounds?

You haven’t seen determination until you watch a woman plan a wedding.  After all, she has been planning this since she was little.   As a girl, she was Barbie and Malibu Ken drives up in the plastic car, gets on his knee and sweeps her off her feet.  Also, she may have heard talk from her mother like, “find a nice boy and settle down.”

You’re that nice boy in the fantasy.  Next thing you know, you are slipping a ring on her finger and signing a legal document. Marriage, my friend, is a legal document that transcends the wedding day.  Once the dust settles and the champagne buzz is gone, you are in it “til death do you part”.  The good news is that 50% of the marriages last.  However, not sure how many of those couplings are a “grin and bear it” situations.

So, now that she has you, did she really want you or did she fall in love with the idea of having you?  Often when the fantasy wears off and she sees the ugly reality, you may not have the shine in the light of day.  As you have found out or will discover, marrying for love is often not the best reason to get married.  We all want to be madly and passionately in love, but that is not enough.  The question of whether the bride and groom are in love should not be a priority; what’s important is that the marriage is stable with staying power.

Maybe there is something to be said for arranged marriages.  At least in arranged marriages, there isn’t the fantasy to get in the way.  The divorce rate for arranged marriages compared to marriage for love is lower.  Perhaps it is lower because parents know their children best and have the wisdom and wherewithal to select the best spouse.  Also, the marriage will benefit from the support and encouragement of their elders and hence will be durable and permanently.  In western culture, how often does a parent say that you are making a mistake by marrying her?

Love does grow out of arranged marriages.  Just because arranged marriages are not premised exclusively on love, it doesn’t mean that it does not exist in the relationship.  Also today, many of the planned unions allow for the participants to have consent.

It isn’t suggested that we have arranged marriages.  But, it is important to understand that since marriage is a contract, love shouldn’t be the only factor or the leading factor in getting married.  And, as a man, you need to understand that she is taught the fantasy.

You don’t want her fantasy to be your nightmare.

During today’s economic downturn, there are less financial reasons to get married.  Now keep in mind, marriage is a contract; really a financial contract.  Depending on the state of the contact, a financial killer if the contract is broken.  The recession has had an effect on just about everyone.  Many couples are putting off marriage.   According to a CNBC report, 1 in 3 Americans 17 and over, or 31.2 percent, reported they had never been married, the highest level in a decade. The share had previously hovered for years around 27 percent, before beginning to climb during the housing downturn in 2006.

The never-married included three-quarters of men in their 20s and two-thirds of women in that age range.  Sociologists say younger people are taking longer to reach economic independence and consider marriage because they are struggling to find work or focusing on an advanced education.

Today, it makes sense to put off getting married for several financial reasons.  Just date and have fun.

Focus on your education – you’re going to need at least a bachelors’ degree to land that high paying job in a few years.  If you get married, you’re going to reduce the likelihood of finishing school.

Get out of debit, that includes her too – you may accumulate debit if you go to school.  However, that is okay.  What is not okay is getting into debit to furnish the apartment that you just rented if you get married.  You may even have debt from dating.  Also, she may have debit that she would bring into the relationship and marriage that will have an impact on you.  Remember, one of the top reasons for divorce is financial issues and often debit.

Kids cost a lot of money – According to the MSN article, Raising your quarter-million dollar baby, for 2004, the newest data available, the U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates that families making $70,200 a year or more will spend a whopping $269,520 to raise a child from birth through age 17. Higher-income families in urban areas in the West spend the most, $284,460.

Don’t get married before the age of 25 – for the reasons why, read RK Hendrick’s book, How to Avoid “Getting Screwed” When Getting Laid, chapter 4.  Click here.

Save for a house rather than a wedding – Would you rather live in your in-law’s basement or put off that wedding and save for a house?   Buying an engagement ring will set you back a couple of month’s salary.  That money, can be used as a down payment on that house, a much better investment.  Also, take advantage of the $8,000 tax credit for first time home buyers.  You may be thinking now, that having a spouse’s income to pay for the house would be good; buy a bigger house.  However, she may be working now, but once she pumps out a few kids, you, my man, are on the financial hook to make that mortgage payment on your salary, after qualifying on both salaries.  Don’t forget, property tax, utilities, repairs, and reserves for future home expenses.  So, don’t marry now.  Buy that house on your own!   If and when you do get married, protect that house and other assets with a prenuptial.

Focus on retirement early rather than setting up house – When you are in your twenties or sooner, you should be preparing for your retirement.  Don’t count on Social Security or pension plans.  What is a pension plan?  A thing of the past.  So, that ROTH IRA may be good to establish since your tax rate is low.  Get yourself a great financial advisor rather than credit with that furniture store.

You may have other financial reasons not to get married.  Please let us know what you are thinking.  Also, do any of these six suggestions help you to make wiser choices before getting married?

Interestingly, other studies show that men are “always” thinking about sex, according to researchers at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University.  By that they meant that 54 percent of men think about sex several times a day, compared with just 19 percent of women, they wrote in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Scientists.

So, if a man is thinking about sex all the time and he is getting it on average, only once a week, where is all the energy going?  He wants more sex.  After all, a good and frequent sex life creates more intimacy, a happier marriage and general happiness since orgasms release endorphins, somewhat responsible for the happy emotion.

Assuming the man is in the right relationship for him, what can he do to increase his sex life?

Create a have sex every day environment– you may want sex every day, but she may not. But, you can increase your sex by doing loving things to her or for her every day. For example, write her little notes and hide them so that she will find them. Put the notes in her panty drawer; the drawer in the bathroom; under her pillow; in her attaché; in the fridge.  Just put messages like, you look good enough to eat and put it in the fridge. Or, write, I think about you all the time.  Or I can’t wait to hold you.  She won’t be able to wait until Friday to get it.  You just might be humping by hump day.

Flowers just because – giving flowers for no reason will get you more loving. There is something about flowers, especially her favorite (because you listen) that will melt away her inhibitions and she’ll gladly go for it.

Pick up your crap – clean up your mess.  While you are at it, clean up around the house.  Also, fix something that has been neglected for some time.  You will be rewarded with open arms and legs.

Be spontaneous – surprise her with something as simple as grabbing a picnic basket and filling it with food and wine and go to the free concert in the middle of the week. Spend time with her telling her how lucky you are to have her.  Get away for that time and she will remember what you did when you are about to beg her for sex.  If you are really spontaneous, get your mom to watch the kids for a night and take her to a B&B in the country for a romantic midweek night.  If that is too much, you may be able to get away with taking her to a day motel for a quick naughty girl romp.

Have a pizza delivered for the kids and lock the master door – Get a pizza and a DVD for the kids and slip away for an hour with your honey.  Don’t forget to lock the door to the master bedroom.  Set it all up by calling her or dropping her a note as to the rendezvous plan.  Do it a day in advance at least, so she is fantasizing about it up to the point.  If you are really creative, have a warm bath drawn, complete with bath oils and soft rose petals in the master tub, some sexy Barry White music or her favorite soft music.

Basically, to get more sex, you need to start thinking more like a woman.  You may be thinking sex; she is probably thinking about her sex appeal.  So, help her feel sexy all the time.   What may happen is she will start playing and come up with a few sex escapades ideas of her own. Next thing you know, you’ll be having sex all the time.

Either way, do your part. Couples who take the time to develop and maintain a healthy and mutually satisfying sexual relationship often are more connected with each other and suffer less depression, better handle life’s setbacks, have less heart problems or other health issues, experts say.

Please comment below and let us know if these tips help you.  Maybe you have some good tips of your own you want to share.

First, we may never know the full truth as to exactly why Tiger cheated.  Maybe the answer is as easy as he could.   Perhaps he was looking to cash in on his notoriety.  Men don’t necessarily stray for the sex as much as the attention.   So, maybe he was caught up in women who notice him.  Who knows what wasn’t going on at home with his wife?  Either way, each time he strayed, keep in mind that there were willing women just as culpable.

Also, there have been many powerful men throughout history who have had indiscretions, including several of our Presidents.  Even FD Roosevelt, who was wheelchair bound due to polio, had a relationship out of wedlock.

If we break it down, men are animals.  In the animal kingdom, when it comes to mating, promiscuity is the norm rather than the exception.  In fact, about 90 percent of mammals have multiple mates and cheating on mates is observed in almost all species.

Primates are promiscuous, according to an article published in the site Socyberty, Sexual Habits of Humans and other Great Apes, by Dr Dave.  In particular, Chimpanzees, which share 99% of the same DNA as humans are very promiscuous.  The article goes on to say that males will have sex with any female, at almost any time.  And females will copulate with any male as well.  When a couple meet and begin to have sex, they are in a sexual frenzy for days or weeks, but then the passion tapers off.

Now back to humans.  One only needs to look at the bible to see that a man had many wives.  Didn’t Abraham have three wives and a couple of concubines?  It was acceptable back then.  Why isn’t it acceptable now?

In Europe, many men have wives and lovers.  Rarely a man will leave his wife for his mistress.  Often, when the wife dies, the mistress moves in with the family and is accepted by the family.  Enzo Ferrari, the famous car maker did exactly that and moved his lover, Lina Lardi into his home.  So, why is it accepted to have a mistress in Europe?  Perhaps, because the relationship is part of the culture and often out in the open.

Marriage is a contract between two people.  Is marriage a form of domestication?  If we are, by nature, looking to propagate and spread our seed, do we men need to be kept in line?  Like any farm animal that one thinks or society thinks needs to be under control, is marriage designed to keep men monogamous against his nature?

Most women probably understand the urges that men have, because women have the urges too…  Just seemingly not as strong.

So, why would a woman allow her man to stray?  Yes, allow. If your woman wants to keep you from straying, she’ll do the following:

Keep it fresh – She may role play to your fantasy; maybe wear a wig, dress like your fantasy.  Why not, if it is agreeable to her.  After all, she loves you.

Sex 101 to advanced sex – She is going to study the art of making love.  She will become the best lover for you.  She’ll know exactly what to do to you and when.  She may even read a book or article on performing falacio to please you.

Don’t nag – You know that you hate nagging.  It is probably the number one turn off for you.  If she wants to keep you, she’ll stop nagging.

Make you the king of the jungle, you aren’t one of the kids – You work hard and when you come home, you want to be treated with respect and as an adult.  She’ll know this if she wants to keep you from straying.

Men are not the only ones who cheat.  For every woman that Tiger slept with, each cheated willingly too.   One in five married women has had a fling — the highest numbers ever recorded, according to one group of researchers. In fact, the numbers of cheating wives now equals the statistics on cheating husbands, according to a study by Tom W. Smith with the National Opinion Research Center.

Practically everyone is tempted to stray at one point in their life.  The animal in you will want to do it.  Perhaps you will act on it.  Be prepared for the consequences, good or bad.  On a rare occasion, you may even not expect it.  Sometimes, you even end up with the person you were meant to be with…who understands how to keep her man.

It’s hard to believe, no pun intended, that the week of February 14 – 21 is National Condom Awareness week.  Interesting enough, the salute to condoms starts at sundown on Valentine’s Day.  You think this is a coincident? Well, it makes sense to promote practicing safe sex the night of, and if things go well, the whole next week of potential Valentine wild sex.  The condom is not just to reduce the chances of contracting HIV or STD; it has an equally important function.

Even though there are directions on the Trojan box on how to use a condom, there may be a couple of important tips that you won’t find on the packaging.  In chapter one of RK Hendrick’s book, How to Avoid “Getting Screwed” When Getting Laid,  he has a couple of key protection tips in the sixth rule of the Top 10 Rules for Short-Term Dating and One Night Stands.   Click on the title of the book here to get the first chapter of this must read book free.

The official National Condom Awareness week started on, none other than, the campus of University of California at Berkley.  Maybe just about everything having to do with sex has its root on that campus.   I believe that the California Sexual Freedom Forum started on the grounds of the quad…or maybe a dorm block.

Since 2006, the proper use of condoms has been an educational discussion on high school and college campuses.  Condom manufactures, family planning organizations and AIDS awareness groups have all jumped on the awareness wagon.  As we all know, there are serious risks to having unprotected sex.  There really isn’t an excuse to not roll one on.

Especially now a days, it is amazing how many varieties, shapes and sizes you can find. Trojan has its own “stimulus package”.  Going to the store to buy condoms is not a quick task anymore.  So, plan ahead and realize that maybe you just aren’t that Magnum user.  You don’t want it to slip off, requiring a search party to recover it.   Also, you may want to know your short comings, by picking out the numbing tip model.  Or, if that’s not an issue, get the ribbed job for her satisfaction.

Over the last few years, the National Condom group has used humor to educate the use of condoms.   After all, nothing funnier than getting that slippery, rolled up rubber to easily slide out of that finely sealed packet.  It is not always easy to roll it on without it shooting out of your grasp, into the dark.

Here are a few of the National Condom Week humorous slogans:  

Don’t be silly, protect your willy

When in doubt, shroud your spout

It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

No glove, no love!

One thing that is not funny… when a condom fails.  From research studies, the effectiveness of a rubber has been determined by how often a woman becomes impregnated when the partners have used condoms for birth control.  The failure rate was found to be due to not always using a condom or not using it correctly.    So, the condom usually doesn’t fail, it is operator error.  Not sure how you use a condom incorrectly…roll on, grip base end tightly, pull out, being careful not to lose the content and dispose of the used latex sleeve.   Well, there are some misguide people who use an oil-based lubrication that weakens latex.  Also, you may not want to use that condom that has been in your wallet since the 1980s.  Don’t expose them to heat or sunshine.  Body heat and a romp at the beach are probably okay.  Although you may be tempted, don’t let her use her teeth or fingernails on condom.

Condoms are well tested.  Imagine having that job.  There is the water leak test, air burst test and the tensile test, determining the likelihood of the condom busting in use.  Feel good that the FDA regulates the safety and effectiveness of condoms…

Size does matter, when picking a rubber.  One of the major factors in breakage or slipping off during sex is the size you choose.  Get the correct fit.

Do you always use a rubber when engaging in sex?  How do you protect yourself?  Post your comment below.

He’ll surprise her with a dozen red big bulb roses… just because.  He’ll take the time to pick the right bunch, checking the color and the scent of the flowers.  Carefully, he picks a dozen, noticing the balance of those roses that are open, opening or will open in a few days.

How about giving her a compliment without expecting to sleep with her?  Or, give her a handmade card just because it is a day you are in love.

I know a romantic man who lives on a hill.  He made a sign that read “I love you”.  He posted the sign at the bottom of the hill and handed his wife a pair of binoculars and had her find the sign.  Another time, this same man gathered  three flat stones, painted white on a side and on the first stone he wrote “I”, the next “love” and on the last stone wrote “you”.  He then found a plastic tray, filled it with water and put the stones in order and put the tray in the freezer.  His love was delighted when she opened the freezer to discover the love message.

There is a man I know who bought one of those small love books that has pages filled with couples in love.  He added a page with his love picture and story as if it was part of the original book.

Every day, a man can show that he loves a woman.  It could be a glace, a favor, and a touch…something totally unexpected and random.

Then there is Valentine’s Day, the most forced romantic day of the year.  February is often missing a day, the 29^th.  I’m guessing most men would prefer that February was missing the 14^th.  Talk about the pressure cooker.  The chickens in the Colonel’s eleven herbs and spices pressure cooker are not under as much pressure as you are.

You know she expects something from you.  If she is working in an office, you better spend the big bucks to get those roses to the office.  Don’t forget to hire violinist to string out love songs as the delivery man makes a big deal out of the rose delivery.  You know that the woman in the office compare the size of the bunch.  Is this shallow…perhaps?  Plan on spending a bundle for that bunch of flowers for her office bragging rights.

I can tell you that you aren’t thinking about the flowers that you hope she will have delivered to your office.  I’m guessing that you aren’t thinking about her taking you to the top restaurant with the special prix fixe menu that is overpriced for the evening.   You just want to get past the day without a scar at worst or get lucky at best.

I know some of you are actually thinking of getting that special lady the Teddy Bear made especially for her.  Probably not a very good move.  Victoria Secret might be fun for a shopping stop, but that sexy silky lingerie is not for her.  She knows that it’s for you.  She won’t be too happy about you picking out a gift for her that is really for you on Valentine’s Day.

It isn’t easy to come up with original ideas for most men year after year for Valentine’s Day.   Frankly, for most men this day is a pain in the ass.

So, who do we have to thank for Valentine’s Day?  It started with the pagans and a Roman god, Lupercus.   The God Lupercus, was said to watch over the shepherds and their flocks and keep them from the wolves.   The Romans, every February, had a feast to honor the goddess Juno Februata.  So, it was about him and then it became all about her.  Funny how that works.

As Christianity became prevalent, priests attempted to change the old heathen custom and changed the day to St. Valentine’s Day, honoring the priest, Valentine, who was imprisoned for secretly marrying couples against Emperor Claudius’ law.   Valentine died in jail and became the patron saint for engaged couples.

February 14 was chosen as the date because, according to Europeans of the time, birds began to choose mates that day.  In The Middle Ages, people began slipping love letters to each other in the same vain as the love birds of yore.    Read a little Chaucer for more explanation, if you like.

It was a woman, Esther Howland, who started your grief by producing commercial Valentine cards in 1840.  Why not, she made a staggering, for the times, $5,000 her first year.  Today, about a billion cards are sent each Valentine’s Day.  We can thank a Kansas City company, also started by a woman, Joyce Hall, for totally commercializing the day.  “Hallmark” day started back in 1915.  Today, they produce cards that sing to your love, she can scratch & sniff cards or get them from her e-mail.

Let’s not forget about the chocolatiers like Sees and Godiva who cash in on the day by making those heart shaped chocolates in those heart shaped boxes.  A word of caution: giving candy could get you in trouble. However, getting the free samples just make it worth the trouble you may face when she says that you are trying to get her fat.

So, to recap, Valentine’s Day gets its roots from the Roman God who watched out for wolves to only have his goddess honored, who gave way to the Christian priests who honored a priest who did illegal marriages, commemorated on a day that love birds mated so that a woman could build an empire greeting card business to put pressure on men to remember the woman they love.

Skip Valentine’s Day this year and show the woman you love how you feel every day.   Maybe she’ll forget about the day designed by a woman and prolonged by woman.  Yeah, right!

Unfortunately, the struggle for power seems to be a basic element in all of our relationships.  In particular, it is ever present in our emotional relationships with the women we choose.

A relationship is the cooperation between two people.  It seems very simple yet often hard for many of us to deal with in our lives.

Too often the cooperation involved in the relationship leans more toward a power struggle.  Who will succeed in controlling or dominating the other person?  Who will be able to have their needs met over the other?

Have you been in a situation during dating and she didn’t like the way the conversation was going and she would pull the, “pull over the car and let me out” demand, or something like that?  She is trying to control the situation, because she is unable to have a normal adult discussion of the issues at hand and she feels out of control, so she needs to control.

Why do some feel the need to control their partner?  If this is the case with you, why are you in the relationship?

What you can do to break the cycle of finding women who have to control you.

Watch out for women who are still little girls.  If she makes demands that are unreasonable, and she demands like a child, then she is trying to manipulate you.   Who needs that in a woman?  Go find a woman who is an adult.  She may have strong opinions, but that is okay, as long as she doesn’t push her opinions on you and she gives you ample time in the discussion so that the power is balanced.

Look for signs that she may have been verbally abused and controlled.  She may have learned that gaining the upper hand by being in a power position works in a relationship.  Some of the women you meet who have been a victim of abuse carry the situation or circumstance with them.  They may have not learned how to learn from, accept and deal with the past abuse.  They do not know any better and carry forward the cycle for the need to gain power; the I win and you lose mentality.  If only they would learn to make it an I win and you win situation to make for a better relationship.

If the controlling person only realized that there is a choice in a situation – one can either be right or be loved.  If one demands to be right, then the other may feel less love for the power player.  Isn’t it better to be loved than to be right?  Of course, in a healthy relationship, it is better to be loved.  Not that you don’t argue your point, but be respectful of the other person’s point and don’t try to hurt them by beating them with the power game.  There are women out there who know how to fight fair…find one.

Evaluate how your partner responds to conflicts or harsh situations.  The tendency, you may notice, is for the power person to shift the blame to you and claim that they have nothing to do with the incident in the first place.  After all, this is what they learned.  Then you think that she was manipulating your weakness and your self-confidence and using it as a weapon against you.  This may be the case, but you have the responsibility to yourself and should not allow for such treatment to take place.  You don’t need that.  Find a partner who can handle conflict in a more mature, even keeled way.

I can’t understand why we often allow our emotions to overpower our rational mind.   When people around us constantly remind us, both verbally and non-verbally, that we should leave the situation that brings us pain, but we choose not to listen to anyone.  Instead, we endure and continue to stay in a situation where there is no growth in the relationship.  We make excuses.  Often we are afraid of leaving.  But why are we afraid to remove ourselves from a bad relationship?  Could it be our pride? Our ego?  Do we avoid the truth?  Maybe you fear that you won’t find another who will give us attention, even if it is negative attention?

Strip away pride and ego and you will see the situation in a new light.  Step back and say no to the power struggle.  Have self-confidence and move forward in life with a new understanding and awareness.  Learn to let go of a relationship that is not right.  You must learn to let go in order to allow any new experiences to come your way.  Also, learn from the power hungry situation but never allow yourself to go back.  You have the choice.  Remove the bitterness and take good experiences to your next relationship.   Avoid the negatives from the previous toxic relationship and don’t become a power struggle abuser.

It is time to start looking at relationships in a different way.  It goes back to knowing what you want and who you are.  Don’t be so tough on yourself.  Stop trying to create the fake image of how you want others to see and treat you.  Let it be known what you want to achieve and find a partner who can complement what you want.  Working together rather than struggling to gain power.

Open communication is vital in a relationship, for without it there isn’t a relationship at all.  When there is a struggle for power, there isn’t time for real communication.  It is exhausting to have to make or block the next power move.   Look around you and you can see the couples who have given up and have relationships with no depth of communication.

Perhaps, you have given up on your relationship.   Recognize when it is time to slow down the car, allow the door to open and for her to walk out of your life.  Don’t worry, you’ll eventually find a better co-pilot to drive through life.

Now, in the opinion of this writer if a woman has absolute rights she should have absolute responsibility. Financially and otherwise. But the hard cruel truth is that that simply isn’t the case. Once a woman becomes pregnant she has the right to determine its fate regardless of your wishes. If you’re lucky she’ll listen to you and the both of you will reach a consensus. Know this however, there is no middle ground. Either she has an abortion or she has the baby. Whatever she chooses to do will follow you for the rest of your life. It will have an impact.

I don’t personally support abortion but I don’t support a law to prevent it either. It’s one of those debatable issues that our society has to deal with. Whatever your political or spiritual beliefs are an unwanted pregnancy can (will) throw your life in turmoil. Let’s say you don’t want to have the baby and she decides to do so. What happens then? You may decide to marry when you aren’t ready to and believe me that will change your life. What happens if you don’t marry? Well, try at least eighteen years of child support on for size. Maybe more. Children are a huge responsibility. I know because I have two of them. A blessing for sure but they did change my life. What happens if you want to have the child and she doesn’t and has an abortion against your wishes? It happens. You have to live with that fact your entire life. The emotional impact could be staggering.

The best thing to do as a man is to exercise whatever control you have when you have it. Some men know early on in life that they don’t want children. If that is the case and you are one of those then have a vasectomy and take the guess work out of the equation. If you think you want to have children eventually but not right now then use a condom religiously. If a woman says to you “I’m on the pill” or “I use a diaphragm” or whatever just politely tell her that you still wish to use a condom. I am not saying that all women aren’t to be trusted by the way. What I am saying is that you must as a man exercise whatever limited power you have when you have it. Otherwise, all bets are off if you don’t.

There will be some compromise when she comes into your life, however, don’t compromise what is important to you, what you have become.  She says she loves you, so why does she want to change you?  Why can’t she accept you the way you are?    

If you think that you are making drastic adjustments, then you may need to get out of that relationship. 

1. What is wrong with what I’m wearing?  After all, it is your favorite team jersey.  You are a grown man; don’t you know what to wear?   Evidently not.  Have you ever heard your woman say, “are you really going to wear that?”  Or, it just may be that look she gives you.  What she really may be saying or thinking is “what you wear embarrasses me.”  How about that shopping trip with her when she picks out clothes for you that you may not have picked out for yourself.  You either like it or you don’t.  You may try the shirt with the paisley design she loves.  If you find that you like it, then that is growth in your taste.  If you don’t like it and she wants you to wear it, that is her control.
2. What happened to my hair and face?  Again, you are a grown man and you can decide when you want to get a haircut, or shave or maybe grow a beard, mustache or goatee.  Why do some woman insist on dropping the hints that you need to shave or get a haircut?  When have you ever told her that she needs to go get her hair done, or she needs to shave her legs?  You aren’t going to reject her in bed if she has hairy legs, are you?  Well, that is a matter of taste, and fortunately for those that like smooth legs, she is probably going to get them slick without convincing.   Have you every grown facial hair for a woman and not for yourself?  Yes, you know that mustache looks ridiculous.
3. You walk into your living room and you don’t recognize it.  Where did your leather chair go?  When did the design fairy come through and change the sofa?  When did the color palate change?  You may have not noticed, but as soon as you moved in together, she has been making the changes.  Hell, she may have even asked you your opinion, and you may have said…”oh, that is nice.”  As you were watching the big game.
4. Why is there a stuffed animal on my bed?  In between the rose patterned shams (shams is a new word in your lexicon of love) sits a white puffy bear with a hat and a big bow tie.     If this happens, you have completely been overthrown.  Yes, a small, cute bear can be the end of your persona.  What happened to what you like, where is your taste in the room?  At least you have the garage as your domain.  Unless you live in an apartment… then you may not have a garage.  Instead, you get a closet to decorate.  The smallest closet, of course.
5. Whose remote control is it tonight?  Thanks for technology – DVR and TiVo.  Do I need to say more?
6. Opera vs. Ball Game?  She may suggest going to listen to Opera.  Go and try it, however, if you don’t like it, stop.  If she insists on you going, tell her to go with a friend.  It is okay to do things apart.  Don’t let her change you into doing something that you don’t want.  The same is true about the ball game, don’t force her to go.  Go with your guy friends.
7. She Plays Door Monitor.  You can’t go to the game with your friends, because she may be monitoring who you can and can’t see.  She may be doing this overtly or subtly.  “He was your college friend, you’re not in college anymore.”  How about when she says, “he is single, if you hang out with him, you’ll be going out to the bars.”  Again, you are a grown man, you should be able to pick your friends and what you do with them. 
8. Your job is good, but you can do so much better.  She is thinking of security and wants to make sure you have a solid future to provide for her.  At least, help provide your share of the financial load.  She is laying the path for that and wants you to climb the success ladder.  What do you want?  What is your dream?  Are you letting her kill or change your dream?

Your life changes when you have someone in it.  However, be an agreeable party to that change.  Understand when you are being changed.  Is it a positive personality change or improving a bad habit that you want to change?  If you feel manipulated, then it is wrong.  The relationship will be bad.  If you stay in the relationship, you will be looking in the mirror one day and wonder, who is that man?  What did I let happen to me?

Many men love women.  Some men are even obsessed with women.  After all, they are often cool, shiny, curvaceous, comfortable and fun to drive.  You have want to take care of her (you may bathe her caressing her with a sponge, but not on the driveway…at least not during the day), keep her looking good.  Face it, you show her off to your friends and sometimes to your enemies.  Like cars, women come in many types.  There are some that are sporty and like to live life on the edge on those T rated tires.  Some women are comfortable like a sedan.  Other women are tough like a truck.  You also have your SUV type.  Then there is also the minivan group.  Besides coming in different models, they come in several colors with options.

When you are looking for a car, more than likely, you will do a complete search of manufactures, look at makes and models.  You search on the internet, look at Edmunds.com perhaps.  Find out what appeals to you, then you check out the approximate price and what features the car has.  After looking on the internet for initial information, you may start to go to the dealers and do the “just looking” thing.  This is when you may start to get in trouble, right?  The sales person comes out and starts his, “can you see yourself behind the wheel”?, or “what will it take to get you in the car today”?   If you are the typical buyer, you may feel some pressure.  But, more than that, you are excited about the newness of a beautiful car.  The ding free body, the new car smell, the low miles on the odometer.  You may be done when the sales man hands you the keys for the test drive.  Of course, you planned to just kick tires.  But, you fall in love and have to have it.

When you are looking for a woman, more than likely, you will search and look for different makes and models.  You may search sites like match.com, or other dating sites.  You find out what appeals to you.  You check out her features in the search.  After looking on the internet, you’ll probably go out to clubs, organizations and bars.  You may even set up a meeting with few of the internet connections.  This is when you start to get in trouble.  You are excited by the newness of the woman.  She has that body and that fresh scent and with you those low miles on the odometer.  You may be done for when you are thrown the keys for the test drive.  You thought you were just kicking tires.  You may just fall in love and have to have it.

So, now you are done with your test drive and you are back at the dealer.  Somehow, you ended up in the finance manager’s office or the sales manager’s office.  “So, what do you think”, as they wipe up your drool from the desk.  Of course, you love it.  But, you don’t want to give too much away, because it is time to negotiate.  Most of you fold like a house of cards when it comes time to talk dollars and terms.  Why?  Because you are now emotionally involved.  You see yourself driving that auto.  You arm is hanging out the window.  The top comes down in such a cool way.  You put the foot to the pedal and she purrs in response.  It is getting hot in the F&I guy’s office.  “So, what is it going to take for you to drive that “dream” off the lot?”  You stammer and shake.  They have the advantage.  They know you are in a state of bliss and you will pay practically anything to drive that beauty for years to come.  Contract out, you sign on the line.

So, now you have gone out on a few dates.  Somehow, you have gone to meet her friends and her family.  Make sure you take note of how she interacts with her family and friends.  The holidays come around and you are on the hot seat at her parent’s house.  You are not sure how you got there.  Probably that shiny new car.  Of course, you feel like you love her.  But you don’t want to give too much away, because it is now time to negotiate.  Of course, most of you fold like a house of cards when it is time to talk dollars and terms, because you are mesmerized by the newness.  You are now emotionally involved.  You like to hang your arm around her.  You love it when her top comes down.  You love it when you stick it into gear and she purrs in response.  She turns to you and asks, “so, what is it going to take for you get me to be with you forever.  You stammer and shake.  She has the advantage.  She knows that you are in a state of bliss and you will pay practically anything to drive that beauty for years to come.  Contract out, you sign on the line.

Years later, that shiny car, despite what you do to keep it in shape, gets dull.  You notice a couple of dings.  Where did they come from?  The car doesn’t smell as nice as it once did.  It doesn’t have the same feel behind the wheel.  You don’t wash it like you once did.  It doesn’t respond with that purr as much anymore.  You start to look at new cars with envy.  What happened to your car?  Does it need to get junky?  There wasn’t trash in it before.

Years later, that shiny fresh marriage, despite what you do to keep it in shape, gets dull.  You notice that she has let herself go some.  Hell, so have you too.  She doesn’t smell as nice as she once did with that great perfume.  It just doesn’t feel the same.  You don’t seem to want to take care of her like you once did.  You start to look at other men with envy.  What happened to your relationship?

Now, some men buy the right car, because they are in control of what they want and are willing to walk away from a bad deal.  Some men, lease cars to try them out, knowing they can send them back and get a new shiny car.

Some men find the right woman.  They have a plan and know what they want.  They are willing to walk away from a bad deal.  Some men only date and know that they can get a shiny new model.

The question is, is it better to buy or to lease?  This is something you need to decide what works best for you.

• Money – Nothing can tear a relationship apart more than this except for infidelity maybe. Being on the same sheet of music when it comes to money is very important. If you are not compatible in this one area I can guarantee you that over time this will cause problems. Inevitably one of you will begin to resent the others spending habits.  Financial problems, bill paying and spending habits can throw an otherwise happy marriage into turmoil. The stress of debt and lack of money can be overwhelming. It is better to sort this out early on in a relationship before taking the plunge. If you and your partner are not in agreement do not walk down the aisle.
• Children – As stated in a previous post, children and the philosophy about raising them can provide much fodder for conflict in a marriage. First of all, before you get married you must, MUST decide whether or not you both want children. If one of you wants them and the other doesn’t, stop the train and get off. If you do both want children than at least sort out the basics of child rearing before you get married. Talk about at length. And observe the family habits and dynamics of your partner. This will clue you in on what you face if you get married. Woman (and men too) often raise their children as they were raised. If there’s some kind of profound dysfunction within her family then it’s likely to come out unless your wife to be has done a lot of personal work.

There are a lot of areas that require at least a modicum of compatibility in order to ensure the long term success of a relationship: intellectual compatibility, spiritual compatibility, emotional compatibility to name a few. It’s wise to smoke these out and test them before you get married. You don’t necessarily have to throw in the towel on a relationship but certainly you should at least extend the courtship period. At the crux of every good relationship is the ability to communicate. I don’t care what anyone says, if you can’t communicate effectively then you are more likely than not to fail. And ignore the people who say that really, for a relationship to be successful only one party has to know how to communicate effectively. That’s pure bovine scat. Believe me when I tell you, over time it will become a problem. And why put yourself through that?

Compatibility is a necessary component of success in a relationship. Yes, opposites attract. Remember when you were a kid and you used to play with magnets? Take a couple of magnets and hold them near each other and depending on how you held them they either attracted or repelled each other. It’s the same with relationships. There can be forces that attract you to a woman and forces that repel you. It’s all in the alignment. Make sure you can stay at least mostly aligned before you get married or else you’ll find yourself in a constant state of repulsion.

1. “Shit or get off the pot.”  You have been dating for some time and she is pressuring you subtly or overtly to get married.  She may say, “You know, we have been dating for some time and…”  Don’t give into her pressure.  Unfortunately many men do.  The man may say to himself, “we have been dating and I really don’t think that I’ll find another woman who will hang in there for this long.  After all, she does give me attention.”  Don’t do it.  Wrong reason to get married.
2. Listen to the guy on your shoulder who says…”don’t do it”.  If you aren’t completely sure, don’t do it.  If you know yourself, you know deep in your gut if this is right for you.  Think about it, put together a list.  Divide a paper with a vertical line and on one side the pro and the other the con of the person and relationship.  Add it up.  Also see pre-marriage check lists in the resources in this website, thinkdivorceb4marriage.com .  Too many times a man will get unsolicited advice.  Maybe from his mom who wants him to move out and get on with his life?  Maybe his so called friends tell him this is all you are going to get, so don’t lose her.  Don’t be confused.  Get objective advice from this site or other sites.  Visit a divorce attorney for a free hour to chat about what could happen if you marry the wrong person for you.
3. The revolving door relationship, on again…off again…on again.  You think that you will save the relationship by getting married.  After all, if you can survive breaking up and getting back together again, then maybe this is destiny for the two of you to be together.  Wrong!  There is a reason you broke up.  Be happy you broke up.  Breaking up now is better than being broke when you make that final break up after being married for ten years.
4. No diapers in the middle of the night.  If you know you don’t want to have kids, don’t get married.   Wanting to have children is major element in a reason to get married.  Of course there have to be all the other right elements to justify marriage.  It has been proven that kids do better when they have two loving parents.
5. Digging for gold.  Unfortunately, there people out there who want you for your money.  If you are old, ugly and rich, and a young woman is interested in you, 9 out of 10 times, she wants your money.  If you are dating a woman and you pay for everything and she never offers to pay, she wants you for security.   On a recent episode of  Two and a Half Men, Charlie Harper asked his brother why Chelsea, the woman he is engaged to, wants to marry him if she is not interested in his money, what else do I have to offer? , he went on to say… what is she crazy.  She must be, now I have something to worry about.  Turns out that she wants a prenuptial to protect her assets from Charlie.   It can go both ways.
6. Biological clock is ticking.  When something makes that much noise, throw it out.  Don’t let her biological clock influence you to make the wrong choice.  If she wants a baby that badly, let her get a sperm donor.  Besides, if the relationship is right, she doesn’t have to play that card.  Run for the hills.  If you don’t, wear a condom and make sure she is taking her pill by checking her contraception dial case.
7. Guilt is a terrible thing.  Getting married because you think you owe it to the other person is, unfortunately, a reason some people get hitched.  The woman is a wonderful, kind caring person and you’d feel terrible if you ditched her.   She deserves to find happiness, but so do you.  Do her a favor and do yourself a favor and don’t go through with it.

The obvious observation is getting married for the wrong reasons will get you divorced or worse, you will settle for a life that you don’t want.  A marriage initiated by any one of these seven reasons should never happen.

Finding the right woman for you is not easy. Especially with the divorce rate hovering around 50%, making a relationship work with the wrong woman is even harder.  How do you find the right woman for you?  The following rules may help you.

The first rule is you need to be honest with yourself.  Look in the mirror.  Who are you?  Can you be honest about what you want from life?  If you are unsure of what you want, then how can you be in a committed relationship?  Make a list of what is important to you – socially, financially, career, religion, what you want in a mate.  Take this pre-relationship check list and go through it several times.  See the relationship checklist in this site, thinkdivorceb4marriage.com .  

Then look deeply into yourself and see what you can offer a mate… be totally honest with this.  If you are projecting a false sense of you, you not only hurt yourself but the woman you attract.  Let’s face it, we lie to other people.  Worse than that, we often lie to ourselves.  We either build ourselves up beyond what we are or we break ourselves down below what we are.  Simply, find who you are and be yourself.

 If you are not completely forthright, you will be attracted to the wrong people and the wrong people will be attracted to you.  Talking about attraction, don’t be stuck on what the woman looks like.  Men get in trouble when they focus too much on a woman’s appearance.  True, you want to have some sexual chemistry but a solid relationship is based on far more than a woman’s looks.  

The second rule is the odds are against you finding the right partner.  You may have heard of the 80/20 Principle.  The Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto, made observations and developed a mathematical formula that demonstrated the grossly uneven predictable distribution of wealth in society.  He showed that, 80% of the wealth and income is produced by 20% of the population.

This Pareto’s law has been applied to several social/economic conditions.  80% of a company’s business comes from 20% of its customers.  80% of sales come from 20% of the sales force.

Looking at the law, it is fair to say that 80% of men are looking for 20% of the women.  And, 80% of the women have their sights on 20% of the men.  The ratio can often be even more skewed to 90/10, 95/5, but the minimum ratio is 80/20.

So, you need to expand out of the 80/20 rule.  Be bold and consider women you wouldn’t normally be attracted to.  There is a reason that there is the saying a “diamond in the rough.”  A man would be surprised at what he would find if he is open to other possibilities.  After all, most of the time he is lying to himself and to others as to what he really wants.  I’m venturing to say that most men, when honest, are best served to expand the field.  Because of a false sense of self, a man may think that he has a “type”, when in reality another is better for him.   Often, the man can’t find what he thinks he wants, so he settles on what he thinks he can get and what wants him.  It’s like buying a pair of shoes that don’t fit, but you think they may fit okay, or they will feel more comfortable down the road.  This doesn’t work.  Just ask any woman who has purchased a pair of shoes to small that sit in the box of her closet unworn.

The next rule is honest communication with the prospective mate.  Unfortunately, some men get in the syndrome of “tell her what she wants to hear”.  He is often testing the waters with her to advance his chances in achieving the sexual levels with her.  So, he may charm her with false communication. 

Be clear with your communication.  Be impeccable with your word.  As outlined in the book The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, being impeccable with your word is speaking with integrity.  Say only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don’t worry about putting your best foot forward… put your honest foot forward.  This approach will make you real and you will have a better chance of finding someone right for you who is real.  Breakdown the communication barriers from the get go for a solid foundation.  She will sense your honesty and will be more open with her communication about herself and her wants…you hope.   It is best to know right away whether the encounter will go to the next step or not.  Women know in short order if they want to pursue a relationship.  Men, on the other hand, are not so smart and miss the verbal and nonverbal communication signs.  She practically has to bash the man over the head or set his clothes on fire for him to get the message that this is going to stop here.  How many times have you been stupid enough to pursue a woman and not figure out early on that you had no chance in hell with her?

The final rule is observing her family.  How does her family interact?  Pay close attention to her relationship with her father because this interaction is a good indication of what she learned from her mother on how to treat a man.   Also, take note on how her mother directly treats her father. Does the mother pay him attention?  Are they affectionate?  Does the mom take care of herself, her looks and her health?  How her mom takes care of herself may be a clue as to what the woman is like and may be like in the future.   If she has siblings, what kind of dynamics are going on?   Most of all, does the interaction feel comfortable to you and can you picture yourself at a Thanksgiving dinner with these folks 10 years down the road.  

We all want to find the right mate, we want to give love and get love.  It’s in our biology.  Unfortunately, we often have difficulty along the way.  Many of us make mistakes that cause us emotional and financial pain.  It is important to have a plan and follow some rules to weed out what we don’t want.  Follow what you think after making your evaluation.  When you really think about it, you know what is right for you.  Listen to yourself.